Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! Today is when we celebrate our devotion to partially hydrogenated corn syrup and our hopefully still functioning livers. And love! Regardless of whether you’re single or coupled or triaded (?) or bumping uglies with a fence post, I wish you all a glorious VD, with the sincere hope that you don’t get any VDs.
For you singletons, I’d like to pass along this gem of a guy who wrote to my girlfriend on OkCupid. While I don’t wish to disclose his actual screen name (holidays make me feel generous), it is something akin to YourPerfectSoulmate4eva. And these are his wishes, with my poignant commentary interspersed, of course:
I’d love to be in an LTR with 2 beautiful bi-women, who wanted a guy around to spoil and be spoiled by, and to help have and raise kids. However, all my bi-women friends have chosen male partner/kids OR career/female partner paradigms.
OR option 3: the not-wanting-to-be-with-you paradigm
No one I’ve met wants to try a triad; at least not anyone who I feel could handle that responsibility.
In other words, stop calling me, Tila Tequila!
And perhaps my triad dream is not sane; so, for the most part, I’m now prioritizing women who want to some day have kids. Anyway, any love or referrals from you or your partner are appreciated.
We’re currently not accepting applications for PERFECT SOULMATE at this time, however we’ll keep your resume on file for the next time our hot bisexual female friends request to procreate with strangers on the internet.
Meanwhile, lonely or not, I have work to do.
Oh, so sorry to have interrupted you!
If you’re interested in giving it a try for 4 hours, I have some data entry and filing that I could pay you $10/hr to do on a Saturday. After that, if you’re still interested, and I’m still interested, I would increase hourly pay to $11 or $12/hour. Boring stuff, but it needs to get done. I can provide references from other women who have worked for me (and might again – depending on scheduling it’s possible you’ll meet). Let me know if you want to give it a try by regular email: email@example.com
I’m sorry, what? Is that a proposition “disguised” as a part-time data entry job for fucking $10 an hour? I really don’t know what’s going on here. And while I may be unhappily unemployed at the moment, if you want my girlfriend and I to bear your children AND do your filing, it’s going to set you back at least $12 an hour.