In an effort to achieve validation in as many mediums as possible, I’ve been reading my old advice columns and cracking myself up. (I’m so funny! I’d date me. For a month maybe.)

Here are a few of my favorites:

On masturbation:

…Before we engage in hand-to-gland combat, I have a joke:

“You need to stop masturbating,” the doctor says. The man asks, “Why?” The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

On getting a life already

…Your first step should be to drop that woe-is-me shit like it’s a piece of Flavor Flav’s 50-pound bling. Feeling sorry for yourself never got anyone anywhere, except maybe for Gary Busey. And Paula Abdul. And Eeyore. Hmm, maybe there is something to this. Nonetheless, as someone who is the Treasurer of the Every Unavailable Woman in the World Committee, I can assure you that there are plenty of single women.

On taking testosterone

…There are, of course, natural ways to boost one’s testosterone and they include the tiresome prescription of moderate exercise, protein, healthy fats and green, leafy vegetables. But who has time for such things when happiness is just a rubber-strap away?

On whether vasectomies are effective

…Calm down Scott, you’re raising my sperm count. And nobody wants that, least of all my girlfriend. Vasectomies have a batting average of 99.85 percent effectiveness for birth control, meaning it’s about as good as it gets, unless we count abstinence, which we won’t because we are not Miley Cyrus and/or the Bush administration.

On dating a widow

…Widows and widowers are just like anyone else – they want loving relationships, to connect with others and someone to help them carry heavy furniture from IKEA. But there’s no real way to tell if someone is ready to date, whether it be after the death of a spouse or a mild case of food poisoning, until their MySpace profile says “single.”

On servicing the cervix

…I was watching “Pet Star” on Animal Planet (which is my main resource for cervix-related conundrums) the other day and I learned that Mario Lopez once played a space captain at Disneyland who informed guests of the adventure to come while they waited in line for Space Mountain. My point is if someone like Mario Lopez can be chosen as People’s Hottest Bachelor, then you can accomplish anything, including as much deep-dicking as you like. But! First you must know these things. I’ve titled them based on Britney Spears songs because I want you to remember them easier and because you are clearly a masochist.

“Gimme More”: The average unaroused vaginal canal is about 3 to 4 inches deep, which is not even big enough to accommodate an iPhone, so don’t bother.

Also, my After Ellen column this week is out, just in time for gay Pride weekend. This one concerns how to love your jiggly bits in the bedroom and how to come out as bi girl when you’ve never dated a chick. Read it! And comment if you’re not lazy and want to sign up for an account at After Ellen. You might have to be a lesbian though. But isn’t lying what the internet was made for?

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