I’m about to move in with my partner of 9 years. We’re poly, and have been the entire time. We both currently have other partners. We’ve been talking a lot about how to make this transition easier. For instance, sound-proofing, having a spare bedroom for non-awkward sleepovers, and so on. Any advice about moving in while poly? Things to watch out for, things to be excited about, mistakes not to make?––Peace Offering Living Yardstick
Dear POLY,
Such a good question, and I’m glad you and your nesting partner are having these conversations and asking such questions now––always helpful when trying to avoid conflict down the road. While my live-in poly arrangements involved no-extra-space––thanks, expensive Bay Area housing market!––it’s definitely easier to navigate multiple relationships at once if you have at least some separate spaces, whether that’s separate bedrooms or a spare “date” room.
If you do have a “date” room, make sure there are at least two sets of sheets and that the space is promptly cleaned up afterward. Meaning no wayward lube bottles, condoms, wine glasses, lingerie, or stained sheets laying around for your nesting partner to find––or clean up for you. If you need it in rhyme form: Don’t be rude, hide your lube!
In a somewhat related realm, try to carve out a dedicated “you” space somewhere in the house, if your setup allows for it. Adjusting to living together after living alone for 9 years is a pretty big transition. I suggest you find a space that’s just yours where you can retreat, relax, or be alone for a little bit.
Ask your partner if they have any rules or boundaries about beds/rooms. Some people want an “off-limits” space that other dates or partners aren’t allowed to enter. Some people also feel weird about sleeping in beds where their partner has fucked other people. If that’s you, then you’ll have to make arrangements to accommodate that. I was once dating a woman whose husband had that rule. We were together for almost a year and I never saw her bedroom!
Ask your partner how they feel about bringing new people over for the first time. Do they have any boundaries around that? Do you want to meet them first? Establish trust? Or does it not matter?
Tangentially, how does your nesting partner feel about nudity, noise-levels, sharing food, and other guest-related concerns? Make sure you find out before naked brunching while listening to death metal.
Since you’ve been poly for a long time, I’m going to assume you have some kind of shared calendar, but if not, get thee to Google and make one, so that your nesting partner is well aware of when they might be expecting others in their home. (It’s also helpful for setting up a chore schedule, if you’re so inclined.) Of course, plans often change, but being considerate and as transparent as possible about guests is helpful and respectful to your nesting partner.
You should also talk about how you’re breaking things down financially. Does one person make way more money than the other and thus, will contribute more to household expenses? Is the lease in both of your names? What about the bills? If other partners are going to be around a lot, will they help out with food or basic necessities like toilet paper? Don’t make assumptions about budgeting––talk about it beforehand and work out a plan that meets everyone’s needs.
And lastly, a less “practical” but still helpful question to think about is your nesting person’s love language/s. You could read the book, of course, or take a quiz online to figure it out, if you don’t already know. Love languages are useful for peace-making and getting to the roots of certain conflicts. If, for instance, you know that “acts of service” is your partner’s love language, then you might be attentive to taking out the recycling each week without being asked. If it’s “physical touch,” then you might make sure to be extra affectionate. And so on.
Good luck! And remember that there will definitely be some growing pains and adapting that will occur with this (big) shift. Expect some rejiggering as you go, and do your best to go with the flow.
Anna Pulley is a Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your quandary via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com or sign up for her occasional (yet amazing) newsletter.
