Super Happy Fun Trimwas

I’m stealing the title from Jami because it still makes me laugh. Short version of the story: She was drunk texting a dude and he asked if she was having a good time dancing and buying me lapdances from a 64-year-old stripper named Porsche who kept showing me her “peach cobbler” and saying, “Now promise you aint gonna touch me” then bending over and slapping her ass cheeks with both hands. Jami’s reply, of course, was littered with typos, and words like “tramkp skamp” and “tell me to hut up and go to skeep.” Super happy fun trimwas indeed. She wrote more about the weekend here, if y’all want other highlights about mah first trip to the dirty South since I’m probably too lazy to write about it.

Elsewhere on the internets:

I wrote about emoticons and whether they are stupid or necessary in my SF Weekly column. Excerpt:

You are also allowed to wink 😉 to convey innuendo or mild flirtatiousness, but please, when propositioning someone, use actual words. Even booty calls deserve more than this: 8====D~~~~~* (_*_)?

Also at SF Weekly, I enlightened the masses about how to seduce someone in 140 characters or less, aka Twitter flirting. Just don’t call it “twirting.”

I always assume people are flirting with me on Twitter. Especially Wilford Brimley. Before he blocked me, anyway. (You can’t spell “diabeetus” without US, my heart!) Here’s a short list of ways I’ve successfully seduced people on Twitter: Knowing what a homonym is, making inappropriate references to nachos, and including the hashtag #BeMyBabyDaddy. So you see, online flirtation is a rich tapestry of contradiction and one that is best done by sexualizing Mexican fast food and bastard children.

At AfterEllen, I discussed how to get your girlfriend to stop asking you to put a ring on it and how to meet girls in high school (That didn’t come out right at all!) Excerpt:

You know, youngin’, back in my day, we didn’t even have Gay/Straight Alliance meetings. Or Bravo. Sometimes though, we could squint during My So Called Life and Jared Leto could sort of almost pass as a lesbian. And we had to walk 10 miles in the snow just to find the latest Ani DiFranco’s CD — which we had to listen to on a Discman— uphill both ways. Or however that story goes.

I reviewed a gay play but I can’t find it online, so y’all will just have to visualize it in your MINDS. Excerpt:

Something hilarious, obviously. And gay. Something historical about Anita Bryant. Something about drinking, probably. Something involving Derrida’s post-structuralism and how it relates to anal sex. Etc.

And of course, haiku, haiku, haiku. Haiku YOUku, we all coo for HIGHku.

(I…don’t even know)


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