Feministing posted a new installment of their Vintage Sexism ads, with some pretty hilarious photos and dating advice, such as “don’t sit in awkward positions” and “don’t talk while dancing, for when a man dances, he wants to dance.” Of course, the post’s author also notes that dating advice really hasn’t gotten less crazy over time, as evidenced by Yahoo! News’ 8 First Date Tips for Single Women. Married women, be patient! Your first date tips have not yet come. I realize that Yahoo! News is not exactly a reputable source on…anything, though I’ve found that when I try to do dating research, Yahoo! is almost always one of the first links that pops up. So someone must be reading (and heeding?) their advice.
Here’s what “love coach” Lauren Frances has to say about first dates. Peppered between Ms. Frances’ advice is advice from an adorable, guitar-playing meerkat I found, somewhere on Sarah Palin’s website, I think. His name is Morley, named after Jessica Alba’s character in Valentine’s Day, a film he was greatly inspired by.
Don’t recite a laundry list of grievances about your exes. This will only make you sound unavailable at best, or worse, wounded. Reveal your secrets when you’re both on a beach in Hawaii or, better yet, engaged!
Morley: Or even better yet, don’t talk at all until he puts a ring on it. Have modern women forgotten the sage advice of Ursula the Sea Witch? “They’re not all that impressed with conversation! True gentlemen avoid it when they can. But they dote and swoon and fawn on a lady who’s withdrawn, and she who holds her tongue will get her man!” Men obviously love mysterious women! And bacon. Maintaining a vow of silence while wearing a thong made of salted pork will make you not only alluring, but will drive him wild all night trying to figure out “where is that smell coming from?”
Romantic Rule: Confidence is sexy! Sometimes, thoughts are for the inside.
Morley: I’m pretty sure she stole that line from Barbie, right after the one that goes, “Math is tough!” Thoughts should always be on the outside during dates, preferably written in Sharpie on your face and/or cleavage. If you can figure out a way to directly broadcast your thoughts into your date’s brain waves, I and MacGuyver would applaud you enthusiastically. Then we would award you a Genius Grant and a large smoothie from Jamba Juice.
Don’t talk about your personal pet peeves. Although your therapist might get butterflies inside when you talk about how traumatized you are by the staggering number of germs that thrive in public restrooms, the typical male will be horrified.
Morley: Finally, we agree on something. We all know that therapists are turned on by Mysophobia, but your typical male is not a therapist, unless he is, in which case, instead of the aforementioned bacon thong, douse yourself with hand sanitizer and bleach. The resulting chemical burn will serve as a reminder that love hurts, but talking about your pet peeves really hurts.
Natural pauses are sexy, and body language can be so much more powerful than words. Slowly smile at him and breathe. You may be surprised when he blurts out in the middle of a deliciously pregnant pause, “Come here and kiss me!”
Morley: If I had a nickel every time that happened with my dental hygienist, my pauses wouldn’t be the only thing pregnant! Fortunately, he can’t actually kiss me when my mouth is stuffed with air-sucking hoses and dried blood. But it sure makes for a steamy cleaning, let me tell you. Hoo boy. Again, your vow of silence should take care of this problem.
In case you’re reading, Yahoo! News, I’d like you to know that Morley is available for regular commentary and insight. He doesn’t believe in the Oxford comma or evolution, but he does believe in love!