Dear Anna,
I’m a 31-year-old female who is feeling a bit lost in a relationship that I’ve cherished for years. My partner, who I’ll call Jay, who used to be very considerate and kind, has recently started taking me for granted. Lately, they seem to forget important dates we used to celebrate, like our anniversary, or don’t show appreciation when I cook 95% of our meals. They previously used to thank me for little gestures. It goes beyond that; they barely contribute to house chores anymore and in the rare moments when we have sex, they often can’t be bothered to make sure I’m satisfied. (To be fair, I could be better about speaking up about this.) It’s like they’ve…just given up or something. I love our relationship, but I’m left feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. Could you please provide some advice to handle this situation?—Feeling Unappreciated
Dear FU,
That’s a lot. You deserve to feel appreciated and valued in your relationships—everyone does. While life sometimes gets busy and partners can unwittingly overlook each other’s needs, it’s crucial to notice when it’s happening and course-correct before things get worse. So good on you for recognizing your needs aren’t being met and for taking steps to get back on track.
To start, approach Jay with an open and honest check-in. Are life circumstances—like work stress or health problems—contributing to this thoughtlessness? Find out if there might be other causes on the table. Not that this excuses poor behavior, but it’s helpful to get a more complete picture of what’s going on.
Then, start by telling them what they’re doing right. (Or have done right in the past.) This tends to be a more effective starting point than launching into a litany of complaints, which can lead people to feel defensive and shut down. Also, sometimes simply pointing out the ways they’ve been considerate in the past can motivate them to get back to doing it. Once you’ve layered the sh!t sandwich with a heap of positive reinforcement, then you can focus on behaviors you’re less than thrilled about. Make sure to express the impact their actions (and inactions) have on you. For instance, you could say, “I feel lonely and unappreciated when our anniversary goes unnoticed” rather than “You always forget our anniversary.”
Actions speak louder than words, and while it’s essential to communicate your feelings, it’s just as important to gently steer your partner towards noticing and correcting the imbalance in your relationship. Use your actions to lead by example. For instance, ask him to choose a few nights a week where he’s responsible for getting dinner on the table. Or start a conversation around house duties: “I’ve noticed I am doing the majority of chores and I feel overwhelmed. Can we talk about sharing them more equitably?” The idea is not to engage in tit-for-tat but to inspire thoughtfulness and acknowledgment of each other’s needs in your day-to-day interactions.
Another option to encourage mutual consideration is to come up with a list of 10-20 little things that make you feel loved and appreciated in a relationship—you can both do it, and share the results. Things like, bringing them coffee, saying thank you, cleaning up after themselves, telling them they look nice today, ORGASMS, etc. When you’re done sharing, post the list somewhere you’ll both see it often and can refer back to easily. Challenge yourself to tick off one or two items on the list each day—or to be creative in coming up with new ones.
The sex conundrum could probably be another full column in itself, but you can try a similar sh!t sandwich approach as above—lead with positive reinforcement (“Remember how hot it was when you did X?” or “I love when you do Y. Can we do that again soon?”), stick your complaint in there (“I’ve been missing that intimacy/wanting connection/could use more foreplay before we get down.”), then end on another good-feels statement. I know it’s hard to speak up—especially for women—and this may take practice and patience, but never forget that you deserve pleasure and reciprocity.
Lastly, remind your partner that successful relationships are rooted in mutual consideration, love, and respect. Acknowledge the good qualities that Jay possesses and express your desire to strengthen your bond by working together to ensure both of your needs are met.
Wishing you the very best in navigating this journey towards a more balanced relationship.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!
This column originally appears on the Chicago Tribune.
