Dear Anna,
I am a 28-year-old woman who has recently started dating again after ending a long-term relationship last year. My friends are a supportive bunch, yet when I revealed my new love interest is a man in his late 40s, their reactions ranged from concern to shock. This age difference doesn’t bother me – in fact, I appreciate his maturity and viewpoint that naturally comes with age. However, I can’t shake off my friends’ reactions; they worry that our age gap could lead to issues down the line. And now, it’s made me wonder as well. So, my question is, what’s wrong with dating older men? Is this age gap really a big deal, or is it my friends who need a more modern viewpoint? I’d appreciate your guidance as I navigate this new relationship territory.—Gently Aged Person
Dear GAP,
There’s nothing wrong with dating an older person. We’re drawn to individuals for a multitude of reasons, and age is one consideration, but it’s far from the only one, or even all that high on the list.
When you’re looking at long-term compatibility, you’ll want to ask yourself questions about what kind of future you see together, how your different life and cultural experiences mesh (or don’t mesh), and potential health issues that might come up as you age.
That said, these are issues that all couples grapple with, not only those in May-December romances.
More important than your boyfriend’s date of birth is to keep an open line of communication about these topics, address them honestly, and make sure you share similar values and goals. Your feelings and comfort level in this relationship are paramount. As long as there is love, respect, and understanding, age differences can and do work out just fine.
Your friends’ concerns are probably well-intentioned, but remember, the one living this relationship is you.
Dear Anna,
I’m a 25-year-old woman, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend, who is the same age, for three years now. Recently, I’ve noticed that we don’t seem as happy together as we used to be. Our conversations seem monotonous, our dates don’t feel special anymore, and the spark that we once had seems to be missing. We have tried to communicate and work things out, but it’s been a struggle, and our efforts haven’t gone anywhere. Despite all this, I find the thought of breaking up with him extremely difficult, even though a part of me thinks it might be the right thing to do. I’m not sure why I’m hesitant to take that step. Why don’t I want to break up with my boyfriend even when we don’t seem happy together anymore?—Confounded in Love
Dear CIL,
You’re in a tough spot. You recognize a decline in the happiness and enjoyment in your relationship but things aren’t “bad” enough necessarily to outright end it. We’ve all been there and there are no clear-cut answers.
Your hesitancy to break up despite your feelings of unhappiness could stem from various factors like fear of being alone, remembering past good times, or hope that things might improve in the future. It’s natural to feel attached and comfortable even in situations that aren’t ideal, especially after sharing three years together.
Before making any rash decisions, it’s crucial that you do some deep introspection. Identify the reasons behind your unhappiness: Are they related to your boyfriend, the relationship, or something else entirely? Are your needs for intimacy, connection, and mutual support being satisfied? Can you envision a future with this person, five or ten years down the line? Are you growing as a person?
That said, at the end of the day, you don’t need a “reason” to want to end a relationship. Wanting to end it is reason enough. Sometimes there are no easy answers. There are only gut feelings, primal desires and urges from our innermost selves that can’t necessarily be put into words.
Remember that preserving your happiness and well-being are prime. If you genuinely feel the relationship isn’t what it used to be and isn’t serving your happiness, it might be time to consider the difficult option of moving on. It’s essential to listen to your gut feeling and to decide what will bring you peace and happiness in the long run. Always remember, it’s okay to prioritize yourself.
As author Robert Tew put it, “If you’re going to trust one person, let it be yourself.”
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!
This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.
