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Poster from the Portuguese Artist Colony reading last Sunday! Someone recorded it, I’m told, so be on the lookout for that soon. There will also be a video of me from the Bawdy Storytelling event telling the story of my first strap-on sex experience (hint: it was disastrous).
What you’ve missed around the interwebs
At SF Weekly:
- Is Your Friend Out of Control? Stage a Twittervention
- Seven Sexy Smartphone Apps that Won’t Break Your Heart
- Ten Ways to Ensure Your Vlog Doesn’t Suck (VIDEO)
- How to Deal with Relatives’ Spam — or — Forward this Post to 10 Friends!
At After Ellen:
- How much longer can I get away with calling Jewel songs “advice”? FOREVER.
- People are still pretty up in arms about polyamory, it seems.
Generally awesome shtuff you might enjoy:
- Watch this on full screen and enjoy the ride. h/t to Jami
- Happy little trees! How Bob Ross would have painted popular social media sites
- Lots of people take The Onion literally, it seems.
- Why freelancing is like dating
I’ve been getting a lot of spam lately on the blog, which means I’ve made it as a blogger, probably. The comments are always inane and riddled with non-English spambot typos, but their “names” are often really amusing. For instance, High Waist Shorts wanted me to know, “You really inspired me.”
My work is done.
Except, of course, it isn’t. I won’t rest until I’ve reached every Online Diet Pill and Bunion Laser Removal on the world wide web. So, on that note, this is what you missed for the past few weeks.
- This is pretty much the most amazing OkCupid message ever. It involves crane suspension and cookies.
At SF Weekly
- If Rebecca Black can get rich with no talent, why can’t you?
- What happens to your Facebook page when you die?
At The Bay Citizen
- For my debut post, I watched two artists make out in a museum for 7 hours. Really.
- Why you probably shouldn’t date your coworkers.
Things I didn’t write/make but are awesome
- Tigers. On surfboards.
- Dear Sugar: Dealing with jealousy as a writer (It won’t make you cry this time)
- Spring cleaning
- Watch Amanda Palmer sing the most amusing tweets of the year. I think 50 Cent’s is my favorite.
This orgy post just keeps on giving. Here’s a snippet from an email I got from someone who read it, after he told me about his adopted Korean grandchildren:
So, having a small, Green pad, doing your 16 hours in medical research/week, performing your role at the community theater tonight, bringing a couple of people who liked your style over for relaxation, some karaoke, and an active night over, would be one wonderful way to evolve the next stage of humanity.
I…don’t even know. But look!
Suck on that, crisis in Japan! I’m kidding. Y’all should go donate right now. Here are some charities doing good work over there.
In other news, I haz a Facebook page. Plz 2 like me. Kthx.
Other stuff you may have missed due to the world collapsing and shit
- Twitter Can Get You Laid
- Stolen iPhone or iPad: Here’s How You Might Get It Back
- That Hot Young Girl Could Be a 60-Year-Old Pedophile — Make Sure Your Kids Know That
- How to Curb Your Social Media Habit
At That’s Punny:
I’m stealing the title from Jami because it still makes me laugh. Short version of the story: She was drunk texting a dude and he asked if she was having a good time dancing and buying me lapdances from a 64-year-old stripper named Porsche who kept showing me her “peach cobbler” and saying, “Now promise you aint gonna touch me” then bending over and slapping her ass cheeks with both hands. Jami’s reply, of course, was littered with typos, and words like “tramkp skamp” and “tell me to hut up and go to skeep.” Super happy fun trimwas indeed. She wrote more about the weekend here, if y’all want other highlights about mah first trip to the dirty South since I’m probably too lazy to write about it.
Elsewhere on the internets:
I wrote about emoticons and whether they are stupid or necessary in my SF Weekly column. Excerpt:
You are also allowed to wink to convey innuendo or mild flirtatiousness, but please, when propositioning someone, use actual words. Even booty calls deserve more than this: 8====D~~~~~* (_*_)?
Also at SF Weekly, I enlightened the masses about how to seduce someone in 140 characters or less, aka Twitter flirting. Just don’t call it “twirting.”
I always assume people are flirting with me on Twitter. Especially Wilford Brimley. Before he blocked me, anyway. (You can’t spell “diabeetus” without US, my heart!) Here’s a short list of ways I’ve successfully seduced people on Twitter: Knowing what a homonym is, making inappropriate references to nachos, and including the hashtag #BeMyBabyDaddy. So you see, online flirtation is a rich tapestry of contradiction and one that is best done by sexualizing Mexican fast food and bastard children.
At AfterEllen, I discussed how to get your girlfriend to stop asking you to put a ring on it and how to meet girls in high school (That didn’t come out right at all!) Excerpt:
You know, youngin’, back in my day, we didn’t even have Gay/Straight Alliance meetings. Or Bravo. Sometimes though, we could squint during My So Called Life and Jared Leto could sort of almost pass as a lesbian. And we had to walk 10 miles in the snow just to find the latest Ani DiFranco’s CD — which we had to listen to on a Discman— uphill both ways. Or however that story goes.
I reviewed a gay play but I can’t find it online, so y’all will just have to visualize it in your MINDS. Excerpt:
Something hilarious, obviously. And gay. Something historical about Anita Bryant. Something about drinking, probably. Something involving Derrida’s post-structuralism and how it relates to anal sex. Etc.
(I…don’t even know)
- Reconciling friendships, one limerick at a time!
- Okay fine, I’ve broken up with people via email
- I’ve MADE it.
- Don’t tell me I can’t reference my songs within my songs