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Solipsistic gerbils, and other nonsequiturs

Poster from the Portuguese Artist Colony reading last Sunday! Someone recorded it, I’m told, so be on the lookout for that soon. There will also be a video of me from the Bawdy Storytelling event telling the story of my first strap-on sex experience (hint: it was disastrous).

What you’ve missed around the interwebs

At SF Weekly:

At After Ellen:

Generally awesome shtuff you might enjoy:

High Waist Shorts Is Inspired

I’ve been getting a lot of spam lately on the blog, which means I’ve made it as a blogger, probably. The comments are always inane and riddled with non-English spambot typos, but their “names” are often really amusing. For instance, High Waist Shorts wanted me to know, “You really inspired me.”

My work is done.

Except, of course, it isn’t. I won’t rest until I’ve reached every Online Diet Pill and Bunion Laser Removal on the world wide web. So, on that note, this is what you missed for the past few weeks.

  • This is pretty much the most amazing OkCupid message ever. It involves crane suspension and cookies.

At SF Weekly

At The Bay Citizen

  • For my debut post, I watched two artists make out in a museum for 7 hours. Really.

At AfterEllen

Things I didn’t write/make but are awesome

It’s Evolution, Baby!

This orgy post just keeps on giving. Here’s a snippet from an email I got from someone who read it, after he told me about his adopted Korean grandchildren:

So, having a small, Green pad, doing your 16 hours in medical research/week, performing your role at the community theater tonight, bringing a couple of people who liked your style over for relaxation, some karaoke, and an active night over, would be one wonderful way to evolve the next stage of humanity.

I…don’t even know. But look!

Suck on that, crisis in Japan! I’m kidding. Y’all should go donate right now. Here are some charities doing good work over there.

In other news, I haz a Facebook page. Plz 2 like me. Kthx.

Other stuff you may have missed due to the world collapsing and shit

At SF Weekly:

At AfterEllen:

At MoJo:

At That’s Punny:

 

Don’t stop, get it (get it):

I’m really obvious, apparently

Also, new Dear @nna column out today, appropriately on how to deal with people who self-promote too much. Ah hum. Excerpt:

“The basic concept of self-promotion is that even if you’re uncomfortable blowing your own horn, you must at least let people know that you have one,” says Steve Balzac in this CNN article, whose references to his horn didn’t make me the least bit uncomfortable.

Check it out, then share it promiscuously on Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, StumbleUpon, EbaumsWorld, Mixx, Tumblr, etc. Unless you don’t want me to succeed or something.

Other awesome things on the internet that people have sent me because they “reminded me of you”:

__

Do’s and Don’ts of lesbian scissoring, which @Janiebt tells me is also called: “Bumping Donuts,” “Rock, Paper, Vagina,” “Mashing Cookies,” “Churning Butter,” “Grinding Beans,” “Boiling Eggs,” “Ginger Smacking,” “Polishing Mirrors” and, my favorite, “Making Tortillas.”

Officer Threatened with “Rigid Feminine Pleasure Device”

Naked people get tasered more than clothed people

Genius flamingos arrange themselves into the shape of…

This Japanese “welcome bra” for tourists is sadly NOT for sale

Don’t say I never did nothin’ for you:

Super Happy Fun Trimwas

I’m stealing the title from Jami because it still makes me laugh. Short version of the story: She was drunk texting a dude and he asked if she was having a good time dancing and buying me lapdances from a 64-year-old stripper named Porsche who kept showing me her “peach cobbler” and saying, “Now promise you aint gonna touch me” then bending over and slapping her ass cheeks with both hands. Jami’s reply, of course, was littered with typos, and words like “tramkp skamp” and “tell me to hut up and go to skeep.” Super happy fun trimwas indeed. She wrote more about the weekend here, if y’all want other highlights about mah first trip to the dirty South since I’m probably too lazy to write about it.

Elsewhere on the internets:

I wrote about emoticons and whether they are stupid or necessary in my SF Weekly column. Excerpt:

You are also allowed to wink ;) to convey innuendo or mild flirtatiousness, but please, when propositioning someone, use actual words. Even booty calls deserve more than this: 8====D~~~~~* (_*_)?

Also at SF Weekly, I enlightened the masses about how to seduce someone in 140 characters or less, aka Twitter flirting. Just don’t call it “twirting.”

I always assume people are flirting with me on Twitter. Especially Wilford Brimley. Before he blocked me, anyway. (You can’t spell “diabeetus” without US, my heart!) Here’s a short list of ways I’ve successfully seduced people on Twitter: Knowing what a homonym is, making inappropriate references to nachos, and including the hashtag #BeMyBabyDaddy. So you see, online flirtation is a rich tapestry of contradiction and one that is best done by sexualizing Mexican fast food and bastard children.

At AfterEllen, I discussed how to get your girlfriend to stop asking you to put a ring on it and how to meet girls in high school (That didn’t come out right at all!) Excerpt:

You know, youngin’, back in my day, we didn’t even have Gay/Straight Alliance meetings. Or Bravo. Sometimes though, we could squint during My So Called Life and Jared Leto could sort of almost pass as a lesbian. And we had to walk 10 miles in the snow just to find the latest Ani DiFranco’s CD — which we had to listen to on a Discman— uphill both ways. Or however that story goes.

I reviewed a gay play but I can’t find it online, so y’all will just have to visualize it in your MINDS. Excerpt:

Something hilarious, obviously. And gay. Something historical about Anita Bryant. Something about drinking, probably. Something involving Derrida’s post-structuralism and how it relates to anal sex. Etc.

And of course, haiku, haiku, haiku. Haiku YOUku, we all coo for HIGHku.

(I…don’t even know)

Related:

Dear @nna

I started a social media etiquette column for SF Weekly that launched Thursday. I still manage to come off as slutty, even though I’m writing about sexism on Digg. Go me. I guess that’s my shtick though, so I should embrace my role as a “social media mistress.” Curiously enough, or rather not at all, this shtick sometimes leads to online propositions by dudes (and once by a chick, though it was so unintelligible, it almost reads as spam). To quote:

i will also like to know you  more,and i want you to send an email to my email address so i can give you my picture for you to know whom i am.
Here is my email address [Redacted]
I believe we can move from here!

It’s mostly flattering, but occasionally there are dudes who, for whatever reason, take my ignoring them as a sign of encouragement and write to me over and over again. I blame every romantic comedy in existence for this behavior. And the disturbingly pervasive and rapey notion of no meaning yes. So yeah, I got hit on electronically recently by this dude, a friend of a Facebook friend. We’ve never met and have the slightest of possible connections, but thanks to the digital smorgasbord of social networking, he contacted me. Over the course of a few months, he asked me out three times. Three times I’ve ignored him. In the wake of this new social media column though, and the increasingly blurry line between online dating and social networking in general, this seems like such a teachable moment. So be on the lookout for THAT column. In the meantime, ask me questions! You can leave them in the comments or write to AskAnnaSF [at] gmail.com.

I should also probably mention that I hit on people all the time on Twitter and Facebook. I try really hard to not be creepy about it, but sometimes I wonder if I’m no better than the people I lambaste. #IHopeNot

Anyway, check out the column and tell me I’m not a dirty old man or something.

Related: