I applied to be a “funny horoscope writer” today, which required a sample horoscope for a Leo, which is funny because one of the first songs I ever wrote was called “horrorscope” and it was about being madly in love with a Leo. It had the words, “If you asked me / I’d say yes” in it. I guess that’s not actually that funny. Maybe it would have been funnier if his actual name was Leo and a spatula was involved and the phrase, “When I’m around you, I flip” was worked in somehow. I don’t write songs anymore, about spatulas or otherwise, but maybe I’ll write horoscopes and my 16-year-old self will feel really validated. Here’s your Leo horoscope, nonetheless:

When it comes to love, dear Leo, this month it might behoove you to take advice from fellow Leo Monica Lewinsky, who knew that if you want to get places quickly, sometimes the best place to start is on your knees. This may seem antithetical to your inflated sense of self-importance, but rest assured, the pay-off will be as liberating as finding a sock full of quarters. Though your life may be boring, you’d be wise not to fan any old flames, unless you want to end up beaten with said quarters. You’ll find that you can’t fix your relationships with charm alone. Sometimes you also need to fix them a drink. Your ambition will take you far, perhaps all the way to the Oval Office, but if it doesn’t, at least your hair looks good.