Hey Anna,

I’m in my mid-twenties and have been dating my boyfriend for a couple of years now. We absolutely adore the holiday season and everything merry it brings with it, but we’re bumping into some rocky terrain while sailing our relationship boat through these supposed “jingle all the way” waters. Our families’ holiday traditions and expectations seem to somehow clash and create tension every year.

Just to give you an idea – My family loves to have a quiet, homey Christmas eve. It’s full of carols, soft lights, staying in PJs, and baking cookies. On the other hand, his family enjoys a rowdy, full-of-life party with loads of people, laughter, drinking, and music thumping in the backyard. We tried alternating plans – my family’s style one year, his family’s the next. But, ended up left with feelings of unfulfillment and a bit of resentment from the families who missed out.

Here’s my question – how can we navigate and address these potential conflicts between our families during the holidays? I feel like we’re in the middle of this festive tug-of-war, and we want to ensure that both families feel respected and included, without it draining all the joy out of our holidays. Any advice you can offer on juggling these familial expectations and still managing to keep the holiday spirit alive would be really appreciated—Just Orchestrating Lowkey Lively Yuletide Enrages Loving Families

Dear JOLLYELF,

Fighting with your family is about the most American thing you can do around the holidays, isn’t it? Well, that and food comas. 

I’m guessing the reason you can’t do both events is because one or both of your families live far away from each other and it’s not practical to travel to both places in one year. When navigating such conflicts, a sense of flexibility, humor, and even disappointment is vital. 

It sounds like you’re on the right track with attempting to work out a compromise—lots of couples alternate years, or split major holidays, depending on what traditions or events are most important to each.

You also don’t have to spend Christmas with each other at all, if it’s really making you miserable. If you’d rather do lowkey while he does rollicking Christmas, you can do them separately, then meet back up for a joyous reunion at New Year’s. 

One of the most freeing realizations I had as an adult was that I could opt out of the whole thing altogether, thus reducing my usual holiday stress by about 1,000%. You can do this, too! Plenty of couples spend the holidays apart. It’s not a big deal. 

Sometimes we try so hard to fit our round selves into square pegs when really we should be doing the opposite—trying to find methods that work for us, and our unique situations and dispositions, instead of against us.

I know of one family that celebrates Christmas in May because the logistics of getting together in December just didn’t work for them, so now they do the whole shebang when the weather’s warmer and ornaments are on super discount.

Speaking of opting out, I also urge you to consider creating a new tradition entirely. That’s what I did—I decided to go for a nice solo hike, then eat a burger. It was the best way I could envision spending the day—low stress, getting out in nature, and enjoying food someone else prepared for me. 

Combining elements from both your families’ traditions can be a beautiful way to celebrate unity and foster inclusion. Or, you could make up something new entirely that the two of you share together and has nothing to do with your families’ usual celebrations. Perhaps you want to play pickleball and eat fondue. Perhaps you want to watch hours of zombie movies with your friends and binge the entire frozen foods section at Trader Joe’s. Perhaps you want to read books all day quietly, like they do in Iceland. You could do any and all of these things! Part of the fun of the holidays is making them your own.

Think about what really matters to you when it comes to the holiday season—what are the things that nourish your soul? Some questions to ask yourself include:

• What aspects of the holiday season are most important to me?
• What traditions do I hold dear?
• What would I be really bummed to miss?
• How do I envision my ideal holiday celebration?

Then work towards incorporating those values into your traditions, whether they be new, old, or something in between. 

As author Edna Ferber once said, “Christmas isn’t a season. It’s a feeling.” Strive to fill it with feelings of love, respect, compromise, and pie. Don’t forget the pie.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.