Dear Anna,

I’m a 28-year-old guy who recently broke up with my girlfriend (25) of three years. The problem is that during our relationship, she became an integral part of my family, and even after our breakup, my family still considers her to be one of us. With Christmas coming up, my family has extended an invitation to her for the festivities. This makes me feel uncomfortable, as I am still trying to come to terms with the situation and would prefer that she not be around for the holidays. How can I tell my family this? And what if they don’t listen?—Feliz Navidaaaaah

Dear FNaaaaah,

I’d worry less about how to tell them and just tell them they need to disinvite your ex. Barring extreme circumstances—homelessness, serious illness, she is literally Mariah Carey—your ex is a fully fledged adult who can figure out her own Christmas plans.

Let your fam know that this is a hard boundary for you, and that having your ex-girlfriend at Christmas will make the otherwise joyous occasion ho-ho-hopeless. Reiterate your understanding for their affection towards your ex, while staying firm in your need for distance, space, and recovery time. 

This isn’t to say they can’t have their own personal relationships with your ex on their own time, just not while you awkwardly unwrap compression socks from your aunt Tilda.

If you tell them sincerely and directly, then your family should consider your feelings and follow suit. But if they don’t, then you can always opt out of the holiday revelry, as I said last week. I’m a big fan of “doing the thing that causes you the least amount of strife.” If spending time with your ex when you’re not ready is that thing, and your family won’t back down, then do something else.

I really hope that won’t be the case, but families are complicated, and sometimes you have to choose you, even if that means locking yourself in your childhood bedroom while your ex is there and biting the heads off the gingerbread men in righteous protest. 

Whatever happens, remember to take care of yourself. Seek a few quiet moments for reflection. Nurture your spirit, talk to the people who support you, immerse yourself in the activities that bring you comfort, and be gentle to your feelings.

My ex broke up with me a month ago and asked me not to contact him anymore. But I can’t seem to stop texting him! He ignores every single one but still I keep texting. Please help me.—Save My Soul

Dear SMS,

You need to delete his number (and probably his email/social media accounts, etc.) so you won’t be tempted to keep contacting him. If you can’t do it yourself, ask a friend to. If the urge persists, enlist a friend to be your ex-text-dump receiver and pour your heart out to them. Or, write whatever you want to say to your ex on a piece of paper, then toss that paper in the trash. 

Know this: You are stronger than this urge! And remember, too, that you’re in the midst of a challenging transformation—it’s through such trials that the most profound growth happens. But not if you stay stuck in the same bad habits.

As author C.S. Lewis once said, “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” Allow yourself to feel the pain of disconnection today, as this will open up doors for healing and understanding tomorrow. Stay strong, SMS. You can do it.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.