Dear Anna,

I’m a woman in my late thirties, and I’m facing a rather delicate problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost nine years, and we love each other dearly. He’s supportive, caring, and truly the love of my life. However, over the past couple of years, my sex drive has gradually diminished.

I’ve tried several conventional methods to reignite my intimate desire such as making efforts to decrease the stress in my everyday life, staying active regularly, and finding creative ways to communicate with my partner about our physical relationship. I’ve read countless books and articles that suggested spicing things up with lingerie and adult toys, experimenting with different forms of foreplay, and incorporating sensual massages into our bed-time routine. I’ve also spoken to a therapist and numerous healthcare professionals, followed their guidance on using certain libido-enhancing supplements, balanced my diet, and made sure I have adequate sleep.

Despite all these attempts, the issue persists. It’s not that I don’t want to engage in sexual activities with him – rather, I find it difficult to foster any arousal or significant desire. This has understandably put a strain on our relationship. My boyfriend has been understanding and patient, but I can’t help but worry about the future of our relationship if things continue like this.

I’m reaching out because I’m stuck and don’t know what else to do. Are there any out-of-the-box ideas that I can try to rekindle my desire and spark more frequent intimate moments with my boyfriend?—Seeking Passion Again

Dear SPA,

Does passion have an expiration date? The answer, of course, is complicated. 

The gradual diminishing of sexual desire is a common yet not-widely-discussed issue affecting many long-term couples. Some reasons for a languishing libido include the familiarity that often arises in long-term relationships, falling into the routine of day-to-day life, and the challenges of maintaining novelty and newness in an established partnership. 

(Tangent: For a deep dive into this topic, read Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity, or watch her TED talk for the TLDR version.) 

Instead of relying on the usual advice—especially since you seem to have tried a great many things already—I’m gonna venture into more unconventional territory. 

If you want to increase desire and have better sex, read more romance and erotica. 

Let me explain.

Female desire is often described as a responsive rather than a spontaneous process, with a significant emphasis on psychological stimulation over physical. (Or both in tandem, really.)

This means that you can be totally physically aroused (i.e. wet, swollen, hot and bothered) but if your mind isn’t looped in, then you might not even realize you’re turned on, and hence, do nothing.

Incidentally, this is why “female viagra” (flibanserin) doesn’t work but has a high placebo effect. Viagra-like pills to date increase blood flow to the genitals (stimulating physical arousal) but don’t engage the mind directly. 

That said, during the clinical trials, because the women who took female viagra were anticipating that it would work and were also thinking more about sex (aka engaging their minds), some reported that the drug was working even though, strictly speaking, it wasn’t.

While female desire is not as straightforward as men’s (and certainly not as widely studied), psychological factors play a crucial part in female desire and can include emotional intimacy, perceived attractiveness of the partner, and sexual fantasies. 

(Tangent: The best book I’ve read on the topic of female desire is Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are. Give it a read if you want to go eggs-to-the-wall. It’s excellent.)

So, because female desire tends to respond to engagement of the mind, heart, and genitals, this is where romance and erotica come in.

Studies show that engaging with passionate storylines can stimulate the imagination, fostering a mental environment conducive to sexual desire.

Other benefits

As noted by Joyce Saricks in her book, The Readers’ Advisory Guide to Genre Fiction, romance literature, including erotica, has the capacity to engage readers at a deep emotional level. Besides offering an escape to vivid imagination and high emotions, it often encourages constructive contemplation about relationships, gender roles, and societal expectations of love and intimacy.

Similarly, research finds that nonviolent erotic literature enhances women’s sexual well-being and puts them in a more receptive state to engaging with sexual activity. In addition to turning women on, such works also explore various scenarios of consensual sexual interactions, help to de-stigmatize female desire, and promote a healthier attitude towards sex. 

And let’s not forget good ol’ escapism, the reason we come to pretty much all forms of entertainment, including TV, podcasts, and endless social media scrolling. Dr. Catherine M. Roach, in her book Happily Ever After: The Romance Story in Popular Culture argues that romance novels can aid in stress management, offering readers uplifting escapism and distraction (a verifiable coping mechanism) during hard times.

Reading about passionate love affairs, mind-blowing climaxes, and happy endings can rekindle hope and desire, translating the fictional zest for life and love into real life.

Can’t I just watch porn?

Look, I’m not here to take away your Hairy Twatter and the Sorcerer’s Bone (don’t google it, mom). If watching porn turns you on—or even better, if it helps facilitate sex with your partner—then have at it! But because most porn is made by and for men, it can be harder for women to find stuff that gets their engines revving. 

(This is, thankfully, changing, and more porn is being made and consumed by women and non-binary people.)

However! Porn (and other passive forms of entertainment, like watching TV) don’t stimulate our minds the way that books do. Books (as well as audiobooks, podcasts, etc.) force us to imagine what’s happening in a way that TV/movies can’t do—because they already show us everything! Books are an active form of entertainment that prime us to engage in other, real-life sexual adventures.

Okay, well, where do I find some romance?  

Romance is the most popular book genre in the US—there are truly a mind-blowing amount of options—so finding romance and erotica books that’ll work best for you might seem overwhelming at first.

This is a good thing because no matter what your tastes are—wholesome, spicy, so perverse that even thinking about it makes somebody’s aunt blush three states over—there’s likely something out there perfectly tailored to your desires.

You’ll want to start by picking a subgenre that intrigues you. That can mean contemporary (present-day), historical (think Bridgerton), paranormal (mystical/magical/other-worldly), LGBTQ+ (shameless plug), and so on.

If you truly have no idea, then head to the bestsellers lists to start—the New York Times, Amazon, USA Today, etc. Those will loop you into the most popular books on any given week. (Usually they’re popular for a reason.)

You can also check online forums, subreddits, book clubs, and websites dedicated to romance and erotica. These communities provide a wealth of suggestions, author interviews, and in-depth reviews that can help you navigate the genre.

And of course, you can always browse websites like Goodreads or BookBub for personalized recommendations based on your reading preferences. Or utilize more traditional review columns, such as Kirkus Reviews or NPR’s Books, for curated suggestions within the romance and erotica genre.

If all else fails, ask for recommendations from friends, colleagues, or librarians.

But I don’t have time!

If books are too time-consuming, consider erotic podcasts or short stories to whet your…palate. Probably the best known site for erotic shorts is Literotica, which has tons of options for all tastes. (It looks like the site hasn’t changed since 1994, but hey if it ain’t broke…) Other options include fan-fic sites, Wattpad, Inkitt, and so on.  

What if the writing’s bad?

You’ll find “bad” writing in every genre—I mean, how many “great” works of literature did you suffer through in high school—so, yeah, you might encounter a book (or several) that don’t resonate with you. That’s okay. You might find, since your goal is desire, that the quality doesn’t really matter as much as it might in other contexts, at least when it comes to stimulating arousal. This isn’t to say that there aren’t tons of quality options out there, but just that it’s one of many facets involved in finding something that works for you.

So, give it a try. It’s not as easy as popping a pill, but it’s far more effective…and satisfying.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.