Do you need any help with your orgasms? 1

Remember that obnoxious 25 things about me meme that happened in 2009? Well, I just found mine. And I LOVE it. So I’m reposting. But don’t worry, I won’t “tag” anyone to do it also. Unless you want to. Then you can. Just tell ’em Sal sent you, look at them wistfully and back away.

1. I used to color-coordinate my closet based on working a two-week stint at Thrift City. I feel strangely saddened that I don’t do it anymore.

2. I haven’t eaten fish (on purpose) since 1988. Who puts fish in artichoke dip!

3. There have been too many situations in my life where I’ve looked around and thought, “I have slept with everyone sitting at this table.”

4. The first song I ever wrote was called “If you asked me (I’d say yes).”

5. I am up to 43,000 hits on Google. Most of them NOT obituaries!

6. I am also delighted that a Google search for my name yields: Testosterone patch reduces belly fat gain, muscle loss and several Norwegian lesbian listservs.

7. I voluntarily read Melissa Etheridge’s autobiography. I feel shame.

8. But I haven’t read Harry Potter or The Da Vinci Code.

9. It was a really bad idea to break up with my boyfriend on Christmas Eve and then watch “Love, Actually” with him ten minutes later.

10. I’ve never broken a bone, unless you count my skull, which I have cracked three times. Twice in one year.

11. I ALWAYS mishear song lyrics and then argue about it with everyone who clearly hears better than me. “Who will save your soul?” No, I’m pretty sure it’s “Who will shave your mole?”

12. Okay fine, I mishear everything. I was nicknamed Helen Keller in AmeriCorps. What? But I was also voted “Best Rack,” which makes up for it.

13. I took both Home Ec and Shop class in Jr. High. I was successful at neither, but I still have the frozen banana pillow.

14. I’m immune to pot. Though one time I did feel like my eyebrow was on fire.

15. I have eaten dinner at Super Kmart. More than once.

16. My first presidential vote was cast for Ralph Nader.

17. If I were a boy, my parents would’ve named me Julian. (So I probably still would’ve been bisexual)

18. I own 8 DVDs, two of them are Season 3 and the first half of Season 6 of Sex and the City.

19. I once slept with a girl who wanted to be Harry Potter.

20. I never thought I’d be someone who says, “I do yoga 6 times a week.” Nor did I think I would get up at 4:45am to stare at a candle for an hour. I do both these things.

21. The best compliment I’ve ever received that I still don’t understand was “You have a very expressive ass.”

22. My mom thinks it’s hilarious to fake-spray me in the eyes with hairspray. I fall for it every time.

23. I have a fear of revolving doors.

24. I have a pilot’s license.

25. One time I went to a pay-what-you-can clinic for eczema. After documenting my life story, the doctor looked me over in about 2 seconds, said she couldn’t help me, and sent a bill to my insurance company. Then she said she wasn’t really a doctor. Before she left the room, she asked me if I needed help with my orgasms. “No, just the rash,” I said, “but thank you.”

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