Dear Anna,
The end of the year has always been a time for me to reflect and evaluate my life and decisions. This year, I find my thoughts constantly wandering back to my ex, who I parted ways with almost a year ago due to disagreements that, in retrospect, seem trivial. I miss the connection we had and wonder if we could overcome our past issues now. I’ve grown as a person in the past year and believe so have they. I’m considering reaching out and perhaps amending things, but I worry it could open old wounds or invite heartache. I’m unsure how to navigate this potential reconciliation, or if I should even attempt it. Should I?—Seeking Closure in the New Year
Dear SCITNY,
Your longing for connection—or reconnection, rather—is entirely understandable, and the end of the year/new year is a time when many people find themselves reflecting on their lives and relationships. Before reaching out to your ex, I think you’ll need to get really truthful with yourself about why you want to reach out (and why now?), taking into account both the reasons for your breakup and the possibility of genuine change in both your behaviors.
Generally speaking, I’m not a fan of advising people to gett back together with exes. You broke up for a reason (often several reasons) and it’s pretty uncommon for those reasons to go away. That said, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t done it myself. Because the heart is stubborn and sometimes you have to subject yourself to a bad idea just to be really, really sure it’s a bad idea.
Sometimes you have to burn it all down to make room for something new and beautiful to flourish.
Consider if the disagreements that ended your relationship were indeed trivial or indicative of more significant issues that might still be there. Reflect on why you want to reconnect with your ex; are you genuinely missing the person they are, or are you feeling lonely due to the dark nights and proliferation of cheery, hopeful Christmas rom-coms?
As Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager once said, “Sometimes you have to look back in order to move forward.” After some reflection and a few reality check-ins with friends, if you feel you have both truly grown, learned from the situation, and hold the potential for a healthier relationship, it might be worth exploring the possibility of reconciliation by reaching out to your ex.
If you do reach out, keep a healthy skepticism about you and a low bar—don’t pin all your hopes on this person. Your ex might not be wildly open to talking to you again, especially if you haven’t spoken at all in a year. They might have moved on or be with someone new.
And is so, hey, it happens. As author Karen Salmansohn wrote, “Letting go doesn’t mean giving up but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”
If you find that you do reach out and it’s disappointing, then that’s a surefire sign that it’s time to focus on moving forward, healing, and growing as an individual.
Whichever option you choose, remember that vulnerability and empathy are essential to rebuilding connections. Give yourself the love and understanding you deserve, and trust that you are capable of making the best decision for yourself.
Wishing you clarity and happiness,
Anna
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!
This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.
