Dear Anna,
I am a woman in my mid-forties and have recently decided to prioritize the importance of good health and physical fitness—better late than never, right? I’ve decided to reinvent my diet—more greens, lean proteins, fewer processed foods, and sugar—and to incorporate regular exercise into my daily routine. This is a challenging task for me, as I haven’t regularly exercised in ages, but I am committed to making this lifestyle change. Adding to my desire is that my parents are in very poor physical health and I want to not follow in their footsteps. I want to age gracefully and retain as much mobility as I can.
My husband, however, isn’t as enthusiastic about these changes. He’s always been more comfortable with old habits—classic meat and potatoes diet, sporadic physical activities, and a general resistance to fitness routines or new foods. This difference has created tension in our relationship in the past and honestly, just makes it harder for me to commit to real change. (Not that I’m blaming him! I own my choices.)
How can I encourage him to join me in this journey to good health without making him feel forced or uncomfortable? We’ve been together for 11 years, and I believe that our relationship could become stronger if we engaged in these healthy practices together. For instance, could preparing meals for each other or planning an enjoyable activity like hiking, instead of our regular TV-watching-night, help in creating a positive outlook towards this lifestyle change?—Concerned and Committed
Dear CAC,
I’m sorry to hear about your parents’ poor health. It can be really hard to watch our loved ones lose their stamina and mobility as they age. And yet, wanting a different path for yourself can also be a powerful motivator for change, albeit a temporary one.
It’s no small feat to overhaul your diet and exercise routine, and I can totally see why you’d want your husband on board. It’s far easier to commit to something when you have someone else doing it with you.
The bad news is that you can’t make your husband change if, ultimately, he doesn’t want to. Each person’s journey towards building better habits—or not!—is immensely personal and ultimately, the motivation needs to come from within. Societal (or wifely) pressure doesn’t tend to spur lasting transformation, because it’s not tied to our own intrinsic drive or purpose.
If he’s fine with the way things are, then it’s going to be a real uphill battle that likely leaves you both resentful and frustrated.
However, that doesn’t mean you can’t encourage better habits or foster a supportive environment for change. And the changes you suggested are solid. If you/he both enjoy hiking, then for sure, make it a regular part of your dates.
I watched a great video recently–”Why It’s So Hard to Make Healthy Changes” by Kurzgesagt—that explains, in very understandable terms, the science of forming new habits, and how we can better set ourselves up for success.
TLDR: Change is indeed hard, but it becomes easier when we understand how habits are formed in our brains.
Those suggestions include:
- Start small: Instead of suggesting a complete lifestyle overhaul, start with small changes that your husband might be more receptive to. Maybe it’s swapping potato chips for air-popped popcorn during TV nights, or taking a short neighborhood walk together after dinner.
- Use triggers: Create and optimize the triggers that can set off the desired healthy behavior. These can be visual cues, like time of day, or certain familiar situations, like showering or checking the mail. For instance, you could set out workout clothes the night before as a visual reminder for fitness. You could also do 10 squats every time you go to the bathroom.
- Make it enjoyable: Remember, the more enjoyable an activity is, the more likely you both are to stick with it. Find activities that you both enjoy—maybe it’s swimming, dancing, or hiking, rather than the traditional gym setting.
- Consistency is key: Keep in mind that habits, good or bad, are formed over time and with consistent repetition. Patience and persistence will be your allies in this journey. And if you can only do a five-minute workout, or if you only eat one vegetable, it still counts! Anything is better than zero.
Most importantly, remember that this must be a supportive endeavor. It can be beneficial to express your concerns and intentions to your boyfriend. However, keep in mind that it’s his choice to make. Make sure he feels loved, respected, and listened to regardless of his choices about health and fitness.
Wishing you both the best in navigating this journey to health together. As author George Bernard Shaw put it, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!
This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.
