Sex Stories: my sexual history in 100 words 18


I got this idea from Glamour, the UK version, which is exactly like the American version except it’s not “seduce a hot guy in ten minutes or less” it’s “shag a hot bloke in ten kilometers or less, all while driving on the left side of the road” and I didn’t think the subtle word shifts would be distracting but they actually kind of are. Like I’ll read something about a crumpet and have to stop and google, is that a dinner roll or a prostitute? And snogging always makes me think of snot, which is not something you want to be thinking about when someone is about to make out with you. Even though that happens too and should you maybe say something? Especially if you’re shorter than whoever you’re kissing and are therefore the best authority on the floral bouquet of their nasal canal? When is Glamour going to write about that issue?

Anyway, they didn’t go there. But they did ask “a bunch” of people, which I’m pretty sure means 4, to describe their sexual history in 100 words. And I thought, what a useful skill that I can apply to my current job search! Then I thought 100 words is kind of a lot and I bet I could probably sum mine up in 15:

I think it was good, but that may have just been the tequila.

Then I thought, Oh for Christ’s sake, you didn’t even remember to brush your teeth until 7pm last night and the only reason you know what day it is because your phone has that programmed and you are so lazy that it brings shame upon several Japanese families, but they’re too nice to say anything outright so they just bow politely and continue their bukkake rituals as if you didn’t exist. Then I watched Tila Tequila’s video and she said something really powerful:

“People call me an attention whore … or whatever … but excuse me, I’m a grown a– woman and I’m confident in myself … I think a woman’s body is a beautiful thing … that’s why I’m a lesbian … I was born naked … anybody who is against that is gay and in denial.”

And if you’re not inspired by that then you’re probably gay and in denial, which is why I broke down and decided to write my sexual history in 100 words, because being born naked is the opposite of wrong, I think.

Age 9: Sex = “humping”

16: Hello, Officer. We were just looking at the stars.

19-22: Boy, boy, girl….boy, grrl, boi, girl who is now a boy, girl, boy, girl. Sleeping with my friends and their girlfriends is such a good idea!

23: No degree in the world will help me conquer this glow-in-the-dark dildo.

24-25: Lost my orgasm. Thorough investigation ensues, involving several, well-stocked attendants. Became sex columnist. Became polyamorous. Fucking friends = not such a good idea, but you’ve still got a friend in me!

25-present: Found it! Ellie was hiding it in her yoga pants all this time.

Okay, so that’s actually 101 words. But I think they are counting the ellipses as a word, which means it’s really 100 words and Microsoft is just gay and in denial. I encourage you to write your own Sexual History in 100 Words, either in the comments or with a link back to your own blog. Let’s start a collective sex timeline! It’s more rewarding than commenting on your friend’s Twitter page, I promise. Even if the update is about a really good burrito.


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18 thoughts on “Sex Stories: my sexual history in 100 words

  • pulley-whipped

    ps: the ellipses signifies the two year dry spell that i blame on the pill, and Oprah.

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  • jshdoff

    My sexual history, were I to list just the actual participants, would far exceed 100 words. Even if I only used first names, which was frequently all I knew. Occasionally, not even that much. Sporadically, vague descriptions. Bartender. Mailman. Anonymous Junkie (my personal fave on the list, for its simplicity)

    The history of my pleasure, would be something else entirely. Starting with the rushing waters of a bathtub faucet, indulging in shame and darkness for a bit, coming to rest where I’m finally able to distinguish between quantity and quality, and once again, everyone has both first and last names.

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  • pulley-whipped

    i want the history of your pleasure, jodi! that was a beautiful glimpse.

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  • jesusangelgarcia

    Like it or not, my sexual history is bound up with my relationship to music and "God" (raised Catholic, whatcha gonna do…). I'm now an unrepentant music JUNKIE and a true believer in the power of renunciation. My sex life is more… dynamic as a result. Unfortunately, my story blows through your ceiling by 72,000 words. It's the kinda wild ride that can't be held down by restraints (or Twitter).

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  • pulley-whipped

    72,000 words? does that mean you wrote it already or is that just an estimate?

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  • jesusangelgarcia

    Yep, it's written and edited and in the publication process. eBook's available now. Print and other multimedia still in development. Click on my name for preview on the 3xbad Web site, if ya like.

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  • erica

    oh jeez that was hard.
    100 exactly, but i'm not sure i'm entirely satisfied and will probably keep fucking with it, and i mean that in a not-at-all-a-metaphor-of-my-sex- life way, really.
    so, here:

    Seventh grade, four of us read caveman porn. We stayed up all night.
    Then it was the Bronte sisters, capes and clouded brooding, mostly imagined. Dracula broke my heart. Twice.
    College: mostly uninspiring. Bought first vibrator.
    Considered women, they considered me, decided that middle aged Alaskan bus drivers were easier. Did that for a while, perhaps excessively, branched out to include middle aged Alaskan…anyone, really. “The odds are good, but…”
    Felt old at 25.
    I’ve been told I’m like a sailor. I’ve been told I’m the best they’ve ever had. I say it’s all about the story, still.
    For now.

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  • pulley-whipped

    erica: LOVE. that the bronte sisters are associated with your sex life at all..and the alaskan men, still cracks me up…in a way that totally respects your life decisions kind of way.

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  • ammie

    Less funny, but at least i finally figured some shit out.

    I moved through ignorance to shame, shame to fear and uncertainty and doubt and negative lust. Who, what did I want, and why? Only now am I realizing that this answer will always be complex. When I finally discovered my body I was shocked, but mostly by myself; what I felt was so close to rapture, ecstasy, that a nice girl couldn’t put words to it. Now I give up, surrender myself to touch, let my eyes close as I explore what I never let myself know that I wanted, deem myself sensual, travel always farther away from the past.

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  • ShanaRose

    I'm looking at mine and finding it reflects the confluence of spirituality and sex that's happening in me now. Think companionship, sex service, divine whores, tantra, nakedness (and blow jobs). I'm two words over if anyone's counting. Anyway, here tis:

    Age 6 – 8: Chasing a boy and a girl.
    Age 9: Hump the pillow.
    Age 10: Skinemax and Spice.
    Age 11 – 14: Nipples on tv! Penthouse forums. What’s that tingling?
    Age 14: My clit is my best friend.
    Age 15 – 17: I can put anything in here!
    Age 17 – 19: You love me, right?
    Age 19: He spanked me and I liked it.
    Age 22: Cunt Universe
    Age 23 – 24: Service industry slut of the year
    Age 25: Come one, Come all. Sex is good for you!
    Age 26: Std, fury, denial. Recovery. Someone hold me.
    Age 27: Sex ≠ a vacuum.

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  • Jam-mie

    9 – batahtub.
    13 – humping pillows.
    14 – first everything, including pole dance, not including sex.
    18 – sex. meh.
    19 – oh.
    20 – strange association between sex and pizza places takes root.
    24 – oh! well alright then… 😀

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