If you’ve never sought advice from WikiHow or seen the hilarious illustrations that accompany it, then truly what is your life? The site, which claims to be able to teach you how to do “anything,” is painfully earnest, obvious, and, at least in regard to personal relationships advice, often outright wrong.
This is especially strange considering it’s often the first website that comes up when searching for advice (second only to Yahoo! Answers, which is written by sexually precocious third graders).
Read on to learn the best of the worst WikiHow advice geared toward lesbians, and then do the opposite in your own life.
How to know if a girl is queer
“Look for obvious signs like meeting her at a LGBT rights dinner or her wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Lipstick Lesbian’ in her profile picture.”
This is especially helpful if you’ve somehow time-traveled back to 1993 and don’t know how to get back to the present but also are interested in dating since you may be stuck here forever.
Ask her about her boyfriend
“If you are shy, you can ask, ‘Are you here with your boyfriend?’ Hopefully, she will say, ‘No, I’m lesbian’ or at least just ‘no’ (which leaves open the possibility that she may be lesbian).”
If that doesn’t work, ask her how often she flosses. If the answer is never, occasionally, or frequently, SHE ALSO MIGHT BE A LESBIAN.
Where are the lesbians hiding? In church, duh
“Attend faith-based activities. Many religious organizations host events specifically to offer LGBT members the opportunity to socialize in a safe setting. Check with your local faith-based agencies to find out what opportunities they might have for you to meet other lesbians.”
“Hello, Reverend! Do you have opportunities for me to meet lesbians? I read about this on the internet.”
Make gay friends!
“Get to know gay/lesbian friends! Even if you’re not interested in them they can be good contacts for meeting people.”
Who cares if they’re assholes, at least they’re gay!
How to tell if your best friend is a lesbian
“Consider her relationship history. A series of brief, noncommittal, or largely non-romantic relationships with men can indicate a lack of sexual interest in men…”
Are you fucking a lot of men? There are literally no clearer signs that you are a lesbian.
“Alternatively they could indicate some other dysfunction or dysphoria.”
And everyone knows that lesbians be hella dysfunctional.
“Try to recall if she has had a sustained interest in the opposite sex if you have known her throughout puberty. Patterns of behavior or avoidance can indicate preference far more clearly than stated preferences.”
If you’re not, in fact, her childhood psychologist, DON’T WORRY. WE HAVE MORE ADVICE.
“Approach your friend with openings that establish the confidence and safety of your discussion. Some starter ideas include ‘You know I’m your friend and you can tell me anything,’ ‘I think you might be keeping something from me, are you attracted to women?’ or ‘You can trust me with anything, and I think you haven’t been honest with yourself about your feelings for other women.’”
Nothing says “safety” and “confidence” by starting with, “I think you have been keeping something from me, Susan!”
Have you heard of the internet?
“If you aren’t already aware of any LGBT groups in your area, begin by searching the internet. Simply combine ‘LGBT,’ ‘groups,’ and the name of your city in the search box to get started.”
This yielded suicide hotline numbers, PFLAG memberships, and homeless youth centers, but zero girlfriends. Where are they??? Come out, girlfriends.
Also: “Try looking in the newspaper and the phone book for LGBT resources that may be able to point you in the right direction.”
While you’re at it, send a fax to 1985 and order yourself 37 “lipstick lesbian” shirts to wear at all the LGBT rights dinners you’ll soon be attending.
Hitting the bars
“Bring a straight cute girl with you as your wingman. Make it clear that you are not together.”
Yell and point, “She’s straight! Haha. I don’t have any other friends” any time a cute girl passes you. Or better yet, make your friend wear a sandwich board that says “Straight as this board! Unlike my friend here, who is totally not!”
Sealing the deal
“Exchange phone numbers with one girl per night. If you ask for numbers from several girls, others may think you are not serious dating material, and some may even find your behavior off-putting.”
(You slut.)
Is she into you?
“Pay attention to what she’s talking about. If she is sharing personal details about her life, this is another good indicator that she’s interested in you…”
Or it’s an indication that she knows how to make basic small talk and is not, in fact, a medium-intelligent dolphin.
“The reason for this is that it makes her more attractive on a subconscious level.”
The reason she’s talking about her life is so you’ll be attracted to her SUBCONSCIOUSLY? WHAT IS THIS WITCHCRAFT.
“Listen to the pitch of her voice. In a recent study, scientists discovered that attracted individuals of either gender lowered the pitch of their voices when speaking to the person to whom they were attracted.”
If she finds it weird that you’re measuring the pitch of her voice with a frequency analyzer, don’t worry! You can only get one phone number anyway, slut.
“If you want to see her again, call to set up another date.”
Are you sure? Because I just took out this blimp ad…
“If she rejects you, do your best to take it gracefully. Tell her you wish her the best, and that you had a nice evening with her, but you respect her wishes. Then, tell her you have to get off the phone because you have some things to do.”
I have some things to do! Some things to do! God, I respect you. THINGS. Do you want to join my platonic feminist nihilist knitting collective, Knit Happens? NO NEVER MIND. I respect you.
Going all the way!
“Ask her if she would be interested in being your girlfriend. After you have been going out for awhile, and you feel comfortable with her, ask her what she thinks about having a more serious, committed relationship. Understand that she may say no, and try to be understanding. If she says yes, then it’s time to celebrate! …”
This post originally appeared on Alternet.
