(Plus, a starter guide to vibrators)

Hey Anna,

So, I just got dumped. I was totally expecting to be a complete mess, feeling all broken and down in the dumps. But, guess what? I’m feeling so freakin’ relieved! Like, no joke, it feels like a huge weight’s been taken off my chest. Now, I can’t help but wonder if this is just me trying to trick myself or if my relief is actually for real. Am I in denial, or is this chill vibe I’ve got going on legit? It’s pretty wild how your feelings can get all tangled up and make you second-guess yourself, huh?—Confused But Relieved

Dear CBF,

Breakups often lead to a deluge of feelings—sometimes all at once, sometimes spaced out over months or years, some big, some small, some confusing. 

Other times, particularly in instances where you’ve already mentally or emotionally broken up while still remaining together, the final nail in the coffin is not much of an event.

It sounds like you might fall into the latter camp. But regardless, whatever you’re feeling is fine. There’s no one way to grieve or heal or move on. What’s important is to recognize and accept your feelings without judging yourself.

The relief you feel right now is genuine, especially if the relationship wasn’t a healthy or fulfilling one. If the thought of moving past your relationship brings relief, it could be an indication that you’re potentially ready to embrace a new chapter in your life or that the relationship wasn’t right for you. 

That being said, all feelings are temporary and can change over time, and in the next few months, you might find yourself experiencing emotional ups and downs. That relief might be replaced by anger or regret or sadness or loneliness or joy or motivation, or some combination thereof. Then again, in a similar vein as people falling in love, the same can be true of breakups—when you know, you know. 

That is, when you know someone’s not right for you, you know it down to the bone. Your relief might be a potent indication of that not-rightness that you hadn’t allowed yourself to feel earlier for whatever reason. 

No matter what you’re feeling, keep an eye on yourself for the next little while—try to stay connected to friends and family, and take care of your mental and emotional well-being.

Take the time to reflect on your feelings and be open to the possibility that your emotions might change as time goes by. The best advice right now is to allow yourself to feel whatever comes your way – relieved, sad, confused, or even combinations of emotions. Be kind to yourself, and take this chance to nurture your emotional growth and well-being as you navigate this new chapter in your life.

Dear Anna,

I’ve been thinking about making the leap into, you know, the world of self-exploration, if you catch my drift. What do you recommend for a girl’s first vibrator? Something that’s not too intimidating, maybe?—Feeling Adventurous Please

Dear FAP,

If there’s a sex toy store near you, I’d recommend you ask the store person. They’re knowledgeable and non-judgy and can point you in … well, all the directions you might want to go.

If there isn’t a store near you, or you’re not quite ready to brave that frontier, then start with a bullet. They’re cheap, unobtrusive, and not nearly as loud as say, a Hitachi Magic Wand*. They do, however, break more often, because they’re cheap, so bear that in mind. 

Then again, if you’re not breaking your sex toys, are you even alive?

*The Magic Wand is a perennial favorite and I highly recommend it, too—but they’re a lot pricier and can be a bit intense on nether bits. So sometimes it’s not great for beginners.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.