Dear Anna, 

I’ve been dating a girl for about four months and all was well – the sex was good, we developed a deep friendship, and had a lot of mutual respect and support. However, about a month ago, she started to get very busy. We used to text every day, and now we barely communicate at all. I can sense her pulling away, but she just apologizes and says she’s going through some shit right now. What? I don’t know. She won’t talk to me about it. She didn’t break things off, but maintains that she’s busy and I’m not really sure what to do here. I feel like I can’t confront her because she’s already given me an explanation (that she’s busy) and I don’t want to be the psycho that’s like, “You’re not really that busy, are you!” However, I don’t want to just move on and get over her, cuz what if she’s back to normal soon? (I’ve certainly gone through rough patches in life where I withdrew from everyone.) So mostly I’ve just been carrying on as normal and hope things become fine again soon, but I’m going crazy and hate being in this limbo state. What should I do?—Lost

Dear Lost,

I found myself in a similar situation several years back. My girlfriend of a year suddenly and inexplicably stopped talking to me and stopped seeing me entirely. She too said she was going through some stuff, and asked me to respect her need for space.

I did, though, like you, I was baffled and heartbroken over why I was being shut out. 

A month went by and still there was silence. 

Then another month went by, and at this point I felt like we weren’t even in a relationship anymore. There is space and then there is outright avoidance—I could no longer convince myself that it was worthwhile to keep prioritizing someone who clearly wasn’t prioritizing me.

I’m reminded of the parable about the farmer and his dog. Is it a Buddhist koan? I don’t remember. But there’s a farmer and he has a dog that’s sitting on a thumb tack. The dog is clearly in pain but he’s not getting up! He’s just sitting on that tack. The farmer’s wife comes by and asks what TF is going on, and why won’t the dog get up off that tack? The farmer tells her, “Because it doesn’t hurt bad enough.”

Limbo relationships are like this. You stay put and you hope and you endure the pain until it hurts bad enough, until you can no longer stand it. I sat on my own tack for more than two months before it hurt bad enough to get up and start moving on. I hope for you it’s less, Lost, but only you can decide when enough is enough.

While I think it’s completely human to hope that your girl is going to be “normal” again soon, I would advise you to live your life as if normal is the way things are now—as if normal was, in fact, your day-to-day life today, separate from her. I won’t tell you not to hope—I’m not a total a**hole—but don’t hope for her—hope instead to find a person who gives as good as they get, who meets most of your needs, and who sticks around when the going gets tough. 

You have to take care of you first and foremost. Prioritize you. Go on dates. See friends. Flirt shamelessly. Make art. Act as if you’re not in a relationship with this person anymore, because, well you technically aren’t…not really. That might change in the future, but you don’t live in the future. You live right here, right now, and you’re languishing. 

Don’t stay in limbo. It’s a broken place. Get up off the tack.

Also, I assure you that what you’re feeling is completely valid and understandable. Relationships rely on communication, and when that communication breaks down, it’s easy to feel lost and confused. It’s as if your two ships, once sailing side by side, have now been blown apart by a sudden harsh wind.

Your girl’s sudden need for distance could be due to any number of personal struggles that she might be having a hard time articulating. It’s also possible that she herself may not entirely understand what she’s going through. And as much as you can and should have compassion for her situation, you also need to have compassion for yourself, for your needs and desires—to be seen, heard, understood, and nurtured. 

Right now, she’s not giving you any of that. She’s prioritizing herself, and so should you.

Your approach thus far shows maturity and respect for her need for space and independence, akin to the patient nature of a serene lake, accepting the flow of rough and calm waters alike. Your patience, empathy, and hesitance to pressure her despite your own confusion are notable and commendable.

While it’s clear that she’s indicated she needs time, your needs in this relationship are also important. Your feelings matter too and it’s important that you listen to them. It’s okay to acknowledge them without guilt. It’s okay to make your own closure, because you might not get it from her.

If you’re going to hold onto anything, hold on to the assurance that you deserve a mutual, steady, unambivalent love that doesn’t leave you feeling crazy, a love that’s comforting and not agony. 

Remember, too, that your girl’s situation is hers alone, and not a reflection of you or anything you may or may not have done. Don’t blame yourself for her silence.

Stay strong.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.