Dear Anna,

After 12 years of marriage (17 together), I (38F) am ready to end things with my husband (40M). We’ve had our ups and downs—early struggles when he was unemployed, ongoing imbalance in household responsibilities, and communication issues. While I handle most domestic tasks despite earning more, he contributes minimally and seems to think managing entertainment and “being fun” are his main roles.

His attitude worsened in 2020, becoming increasingly disrespectful. After experiencing health problems in 2021, I made significant lifestyle changes and gradually created a separate life within our home. Though his behavior has improved slightly in the last 6 months, I realized it only happened because I withdrew emotionally.

Now I’m happiest when he’s not around and don’t miss him during separations. I’ve decided on divorce and don’t want to attempt counseling since he’s avoided therapy for years despite my suggestions. How do I initiate this conversation without getting pulled into lengthy justifications or false promises of change? I don’t hate him, but I no longer want to be married to him.—Separate But Still Here

Dear SBSH,

There’s a unique grief that comes with accepting a marriage is over—not the sharp pain of sudden breakups, but the quiet acknowledgment that what you once built together can’t be saved. Your choice comes after years of trying to make things work despite the unbalanced responsibilities and disrespect. You’ve noticed he only improved his behavior when you pulled away—that tells you a lot.

Realizing you’re happier when your husband isn’t around is a powerful sign that you’ve already emotionally moved on. Many people reach this point after watching their love gradually disappear over time.

Before you have this difficult conversation, my advice is to get your practical matters in order. Talk to a divorce lawyer to understand your rights and options. Collect all important financial paperwork, make copies of joint documents, gather items of sentimental value, and set up your own bank account if needed. Divorce can bring out the worst in people so setting up protective measures in advance will give you some peace of mind, even if you think you won’t need to.

Find a time when you’re both well-rested and free from distractions. Begin directly but compassionately: “I need to talk to you about something important. I’ve made the difficult decision that our marriage has reached its end, and I want a divorce.”

When you speak, own your feelings without assigning blame. Something like, “I’ve realized I need a different life than what we’ve built together” rather than listing his failures. This isn’t about winning an argument—it’s about clearly communicating a decision already made.

He may respond with shock, anger, or sudden promises of transformation. Prepare mentally for these reactions without letting them divert you. Have a simple, repeated phrase ready: “I understand this is difficult to hear, but my decision is final.” Resist the urge to provide endless justifications or engage in circular debates about what might have been.

Consider arranging to stay elsewhere the night of this conversation if possible. This provides breathing room for you both to process initial emotions separately.

Remember that ending a marriage with compassion honors what once was good between you. Though your feelings have changed, seventeen years together deserves a departure marked by respect, if not warmth.

In the days following, be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends who won’t judge your choice. Create rituals of self-care—moments of peace amid the inevitable storm of separation. When things feel overwhelming, take five minutes to visualize your future. Close your eyes and see yourself waking up in a peaceful space arranged exactly as you prefer. Picture the morning sunlight falling across a room that reflects your tastes and priorities. Imagine the quiet satisfaction of a schedule dictated by your needs, the freedom to pursue health practices without justification, the relief of no longer walking on eggshells around someone’s mood.

Visualize yourself six months from now, perhaps sitting with a book in a favorite chair, feeling the weight of tension gone from your shoulders. See yourself a year ahead, rediscovering interests and connections that may have faded during your marriage. Picture yourself smiling spontaneously, not because anything particular happened, but because the background anxiety of an unfulfilling relationship has lifted.

The path ahead will have unexpected turns. There will be days when doubt clouds your resolve, when the familiar comfort of your old life beckons. But trust the wisdom that brought you to this moment. The courage to leave a situation that no longer serves your spirit is the same courage that will guide you toward a life where joy isn’t dependent on someone’s absence.

Your next chapter hasn’t been written yet. Its blank pages may seem terrifying now, but they’re also filled with the possibility of rediscovering parts of yourself that dimmed during your marriage. The woman who emerges from this transition will be stronger for having honored her truth, however difficult the telling of it may be.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.