Dear Anna,

I’ve been in a relationship for a year now and things are mostly wonderful. But one issue that we seem to have continuously is about personal boundaries. For instance, I’ve noticed that my partner often reads my messages on my phone without asking me, gets upset when I plan something with my friends, and sometimes makes plans for both of us without seeking my input. All of this is making me increasingly uncomfortable but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. Can you guide me on how I can establish healthy boundaries in these issues without causing pain or starting a fight?—Seeking Boundaries

Dear SB,

Setting healthy boundaries is an essential part of maintaining balance and respect in a relationship. It’s also difficult AF. Especially if you’re new to it and/or you’ve established a pattern of not-great boundary making in your relationship(s). Putting up with less-than-stellar behaviors from partners in order to avoid fights is a pretty common coping mechanism, however, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Let’s get one thing out of the way first: You can’t control how your partner is going to react. Hurt feelings might happen, but you’re not responsible for your partner’s feelings—he is. If “avoiding a negative reaction” was the goal of every hard conversation, well, we’d probably never talk to anyone ever again.

So how do you try to assert some boundaries?

First, recognize that your privacy, personal space, and agency are worth valuing and fighting for. These are basic tenets of respect and decency in a relationship and they should go both ways.

Let’s dig in a little deeper into some of the concerns you brought up.

Reading your private messages

This needs to be confronted directly (and first). Usually, the underlying issues are trust, insecurity, or control. If you’re not sure what specifically is prompting your partner to read your texts, then start with some gentle questions. “Are you feeling insecure about us?” Or “Did something happen in a past relationship around this that scared you?”  

Once you have a better idea where this behavior is coming from, acknowledge and validate the feelings. You can say something like, “I understand that you’re feeling [curious/insecure/whatever the feeling is], and I want to reassure you that I’m not trying to keep secrets.”

Once you’ve laid an empathetic foundation, now’s the time to express your boundary around privacy. Tell him that everyone has a need for personal space and privacy, even within a relationship. 

For example, you can say, “I feel uncomfortable when you read my text messages without my permission. I value my privacy and would appreciate it if my personal messages remain private unless I choose to share them.”

If he tries to make the claim that you’re hiding something, you might say, “Privacy is important to me. It’s not about hiding things; it’s about maintaining my individuality and personal space.”

Remind him about the essence of trust in a relationship. You could say, “Trust is the cornerstone of our relationship. If you trust me, there should be no need to read my messages. Just as I trust you, I hope for the same trust in return.”

You could also suggest alternatives, such as setting up a regular check-in to nip insecurities in the bud or committing to regular frank discussions. “Instead of reading my messages in search for answers, let’s cultivate an environment where we can ask each other directly about any doubts or concerns.”

Getting upset around plans with your friends

How upset are we talking here? Does he whine a little but otherwise lets it go? Does he try to guilt-trip you or manipulate you into staying home (or inviting him along)? If it’s the former, it might be a simple case of FOMO or mild CODO (codependency), but if it’s the latter, that’s more worrisome as it might indicate abusive or controlling behavior.

Navigating the space between togetherness and individuality can sometimes be super challenging. It’s absolutely normal to crave that space, however, and to advocate for it. Here are a few talking points that can help you in making a thoughtful case to your partner:

The Value of Independence: Start by saying something like, “While our shared moments mean the world to me, it’s equally essential for both of us to have our individual experiences. It helps maintain our unique identities and gives us new perspectives and stories to share with each other.”

Personal Growth: “Having time apart allows us to nurture our personal growth. It’s important to remember we’re individuals first. By giving each other the space, we’re affording both of us the opportunity to evolve and grow.”

Renewing Appreciation/Stoking Desire: “When we take some time apart, it refreshes our appreciation and desire for each other. It’s like stepping back from a painting to appreciate the entirety of its beauty. It doesn’t mean we love each other any less; instead, it allows us to miss and value each other more.”

Then, plan regular You Time and encourage him to do the same: The more time you take for yourself, the easier it’ll be for your partner to adjust. You can start slow, but creating a routine for you (a YOUtine!) will likely be helpful. Suggest one night a week where you both do your own thing—whether that’s going out with friends or staying home and doing passion projects or hobbies. Call it something fun, like the Reading Alone While Together Club for added kitsch.

The main goal is to try to create a balance of joint and individual activities. This helps to establish a routine where both of you understand and respect each other’s need for personal space.

Decision making around plans

This is the easiest one. Tell him you want to be involved in any plans that involve you! When it comes to decisions that affect both of you, make it clear you need to be part of the process. If a plan gets made without you, then don’t go.

Remember, establishing boundaries isn’t just about ensuring your own comfort, it’s also about nurturing a healthy dynamic where both partners feel heard and respected. If you assert your boundaries and nothing changes, that may be a sign that nothing’s going to change, and you should act accordingly.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appears on the Chicago Tribune.