Dear Anna,

I am a 28-year-old woman who has been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years. Our relationship started off like a fairytale; we were so in love and happy. However, as the years went by, we began to change. The love that once warmed my heart like a cozy fire has dwindled down to barely a flicker, and our once-adventurous spirits have become confined to the comfort zone of our unhealthy routine.

The problem is, I can’t bring myself to end the relationship, even though I’m aware that it’s holding me back. My self-esteem has plummeted over the past few years, which has led me to become increasingly codependent on my boyfriend. Our relationship has slowly morphed from two partners supporting each other’s growth to him becoming the center of my world.

My career, friendships, hobbies, and even my health have taken a backseat as I devote all my energy into keeping him happy. I frequently find myself sacrificing my own well-being for the sake of our relationship. Although he is not outright abusive, I can’t shake the feeling that my happiness and sense of worth are now directly tied to him.

I avoid conflict like the plague, and the thought of hurting him by leaving the relationship terrifies me. Furthermore, the fear of starting over after investing five years of my life into this relationship is paralyzing.

I desperately need to rediscover my own worth and independence, but I don’t know how to do that without upending the life we have built together. How can I muster up the courage to make a change and pursue my own happiness?—A Lost Heart Seeking Guidance

Dear ALHSG,

First and foremost, I want you to take a deep breath and know that you are not alone. It takes immense courage to recognize the need for change in your life and even more to reach out for help and advice. 

Ending a relationship—even a relationship that’s not serving you—is one of the hardest things we ever do as humans. The pain is visceral, intense, and feels like a kind of death—like resetting a broken bone in order to make it heal properly. You know the long-term benefits will be worth it eventually, but oof is it difficult to make that first bend and snap.

But bend and snap it you must, ALHSG, and the sooner the better. The sooner you sever the ties of this not-good-for-you relationship, the sooner you can heal from it and move on from it, and the sooner you’ll get to experience the possibility of unbridled, light-saturated happiness. 

It’s evident from your words that you truly care about your well-being and happiness, and this is the first and most important step to reclaiming your sense of self and knowing your worth. Remember that embarking on this journey of rediscovering your value will be grueling and emotional and harder before its easier, but, if you stick with it, it’ll also be some of the most transformative and empowering work you’ll do.

I want you to consider that by staying in this relationship, you’re hindering not only your own growth but potentially your boyfriend’s as well. When you are both emotionally intertwined, it’s challenging for either of you to evolve as individuals.

It’s essential to remind yourself that your worth is infinite and is not contingent on the approval of anyone else. Write that on a Post-It and put it all around your house. 

MY WORTH IS INFINITE. 

The fact that you’ve made personal sacrifices for the sake of your five-year relationship shows your incredible capacity for love, care, and selflessness. These qualities should be directed towards yourself just as much as (if not more than) others.

Here are a few suggestions to help you in your journey of ending this relationship, rediscovering your worth, and empowering yourself:

1. Seek support from friends and family – Reach out to those who love and care for you—as many times as you can in the coming weeks and months. They can provide valuable perspective, strength, and encouragement during this difficult time.
2. Pursue hobbies and interests outside of the relationship – Rediscover your passions and find activities that make you feel alive and bring you joy. This will not only help you understand your value—we feel more competent in all areas when we do things we’re good at—but also allow you to nurture it through personal growth.
3. Consider therapy or support groups – A professional can offer valuable guidance, understanding, and validation to help you work through the emotions and obstacles related to fostering your independence and sense of self-worth.
4. Take time for yourself – Prioritize self-care activities that promote emotional, mental, and physical health. Practice mindfulness, take calming walks, journal your thoughts and feelings, or engage in other calming practices that resonate with you.
5. Reflect on your relationship – It’s important to take some time to think about your relationship, so that you’ll have a better understanding of who you are, what you want, what you don’t want, and what you won’t tolerate in future endeavors.

In the end, be gentle with yourself during this process and remind yourself that real change takes time. But also “real” change is doing one small thing differently each day, until those small things gather momentum and speed and become the big thing that we call transformation. 

Remember, also, that your happiness and well-being are what’s most important, and you deserve every opportunity to foster your self-worth and authenticity.

As the great philosopher—I think she dabbles in music, too—Beyoncé Knowles once said, “If you know your true worth, you do not need anyone else to confirm it. Your self-worth is determined by you. You don’t have to depend on someone to tell you who you are.” 

Wishing you the strength and courage to embrace the change that lies ahead.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appears on the Chicago Tribune.