Dear Anna,

I am 38 years old. I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for over seven years. A few months back, however, I discovered something that has shaken the trust in our bond. During a casual conversation, she happened to mention an old ex-boyfriend she saw during a business trip a few months ago.

While she assures me it was a chance encounter and nothing transpired, I couldn’t help but feel hurt knowing she hid this from me. Although we have had our fair share of ups and downs, this particular incident smacked the trust I had for her. I love her and believe she didn’t have bad intentions, but her keeping this from me has created an unsettling rift.

She seems equally eager to mend things and traverse this tough phase, but I’m not sure where to go. Is it possible to re-establish trust once it’s been shattered? And if so, how can we go about it?—Treading on Thin Ice

Dear TTI,

It’s clear this incident affected you in a big way if you’re using phrases like “shattered trust” and “unsettling rifts,” but let’s put some things in perspective. You’ve been with your partner for seven years—almost all of your thirties. That’s a long time that your partner has been devoted to you. And since you didn’t give any indications that she’s been in contact with this ex or mention other instances that might have given you pause about her commitment to you, I’m going to assume she hasn’t. 

Second, unless you had an explicit rule that if you run into an ex you must tell each other immediately, she didn’t actually breach your trust. Admittedly, omitting this potentially triggering detail about her business trip was not a great look. If running into her ex wasn’t a big deal, then why wouldn’t she simply mention it to you? 

But also, we omit details about our lives ALL THE TIME. We do so for many reasons—fear of judgment, forgetfulness, avoidance, safeguarding others’ feelings, irrelevance, and so on. It’s possible your partner didn’t think the detail worthy of sharing because it actually wasn’t worthy of sharing.

In other words, telling you she ran into her ex would be making something out of nothing.

Then again, perhaps she didn’t tell you because she thought you’d have the reaction you’re having now and wanted to spare you the anxiety.

If that’s the case, clearly it backfired, and you’ll need to work together to set some communication baselines so it won’t happen in the future.

Discuss how her actions made you feel—not to blame, but to make your feelings clear. Encourage her to open up about why she concealed this detail from you. Her perspective might help you understand better, and can pave the way to how things might be different going forward. (Maybe you will make that “rule” about disclosing run-ins with exes.)

Jealousy isn’t rational—when it flares, it physically feels as if The Awful Thing (whatever it is) has come to pass. This is your reminder that The Awful Thing didn’t happen. Your girlfriend didn’t cheat on you with her ex-boyfriend. 

The hard part about jealousy is often finding out what’s underneath these flares and working to address them. You can, of course, create guidelines for better communication, as I mentioned above. And that will help a little. But so will figuring out what’s got you so worked up in the first place. 

Have you been feeling disconnected from your partner? Has she been traveling a lot for work and you feel neglected? Have you not been prioritizing each other as much as you used to? Does this particular ex trigger certain feelings in you? Inadequacies? 

Do some digging and see if you can pinpoint what’s, in fact, getting your goat. Acknowledging your insecurities and fears is the first step in conquering them.

Consider, also, ways you might re-establish a stronger connection with your partner, whether that’s spending more quality time together, taking steps to ensure open and consistent communication, or seeking assistance from a professional counselor or therapist, who can provide helpful tools and insights.

With some thoughtful reflection, honest communication, and intentionality, you’ll be well on your way to getting your relationship back on track.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.