Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I know this because of the dozens of marketing emails I’ve gotten recently, with long subject headings and lots of punctuation, such as, “Lesbian Authors’ Reveal Sex Secrets to Married Men in New Book Available Today!” and “Exquisite Mouthwatering Food is The Key to the Ultimate in Romance and Relationships!” Even though lesbians aren’t allowed to get married in most states, that doesn’t mean we don’t want to help! And to the second one, Using a Really Awesome Thesaurus Still Won’t Make Your Stupid Ridiculous Cookbook Any More Interesting.

None of these emails have yet to compete with HottieGram, however. HottieGram is a personalized Valentine’s Day video that you send to your boyfriend/baby daddy/prison pen pal. Since I can’t seem to describe it without laughing/vomiting, I’ll let the video speak for itself. (Warning: NSFW)

Yes. I’m going to “reward” my boyfriend for making reservations? That’s like rewarding someone for turning the oven on correctly. And yes, I’m going to pay a Playboy model to take her shirt off IN A VIDEO. Like there’s a shortage of boobs on the internet. I looked, honey! I couldn’t find boobs ANYWHERE on the internet, so I bought this for you instead.

Let’s reverse the sexes, just for a moment and pretend that for Valentine’s Day, your boyfriend gave you a link to a short film composed of talking penises that mentioned your name. Would that make you want to “get some” tonight? Because that’s just as ridiculous as the premise of a HottieGram.

Like Cosmo’s suggestion of making a ponytail with your dirty thong to “drive him wild,” HottieGram is predicated on the notion that you alone are not sexxxy enough, and must rely on professional boob-showers and underwear gymnastics if you expect to get anywhere in your relationships. Oh, and don’t forget the Exquisite Mouthwatering Food either.