I recently wrote a piece about the mainstreaming of orgies and other “deviant” forms of sex for AlterNet the other day. The most rewarding part of that experience, however, has been the terrific comments that the post has inspired, comments that I had my minion bestie wade through because I hate reading the comments on my posts (except here, natch) for reasons you will soon see.

Jamie’s delightful commentary is in italics. (Mine is in parentheses.)

” *fap**fap**fap* “ (Why yes, that is a textual reenactment of jerking off)

Anna cannot be
beaten…but beaten off to?
Oh yes, yes she can.

“Like sand in an hour glass so is the days of our lives”

Nothing like quoting a soap opera AND bad grammar to strengthen your e-cred.
…And in response to this comment, Oregon Charles would like to say:

“Eat, drink, and screw all you can, for tomorrow we die.”

Uplifting, Charles.  Thank you for sharing with the class.

This guy is pretty insane.  He first talks about how he and his wife swim naked with a ton of people then this:

“….Hugs and kisses are much better cos – its a love thing – not a sexual thing. In fact I have brain fucked loads of men and women on numerous occasions. You just cuddle and press your heads very close together – and the neurons pass between you
Its an electric thing
The genitals just cant do that – all they exchange is juice.”

Awwwww…Tony, You’re adorable. Except for that brain-fucking part…that was weird. Later, he talks about filming people at concerts and getting in trouble…

“Man is something to be overcome not come over.
We are a tribe of naked apes. Is it necessary to revert to our simian behavior patterns to feel human?
Why don’t you try eating a live chicken and see if I give a shit?”

Alright I WILL!

And here’s an STD song!

“Young man, before you saddle-up,

To loose your fluids by the cup,
Come… and lend a weary ear
Before you enter through the rear.
Before you take this gutter-snipe
Bake to your motel-room tonight,
You may want to hear a tune
That may prove most opportune.

One should be careful, because…

There’s papilloma virus and hepatitis B.
There’s crabs and clap and chancroid and good old HSV
With syphilis and SARS and immune-deficiency!
There’s molluscum and thrust and calymmatobacterium
And trusty old lymphogranuloma with venereum,
And scabies out the ass with some trichomaniasis
Topped off with a splash of cytomegaloviruses!
They come from unrestricted love, devoid of any biases,
From a saintly nymphoid dove to bulls with satyriasis.

So now you know your STD’s,
But you’ll still pay to sleep with me!

lol sorry, just had to do it. Never thought I’d be able to use it.”

“I can’t wait for this fucking world to come to it’s well-deserved end.”

Wow. Reeeeally not excited about group sex. Response?

“And group sex is what makes you feel that way? Not child or spousal abuse? Not rape? Not poverty and starvation? Not environmental exploitation? Not the exploitation of women and children for sex? Not sweatshops? Not repression of freedom….. but consenting adults having multi-partner sex??? That is utterly fucked up.”

Touche! Rebuttal?

“You don’t know me. this is one comment on one article…..so fuck off!”

Oh I see – you haven’t gotten laid in a while. 🙁
And final response?

“Well, if that doesn’t represent what you are saying, then please say so. Because the idea that adults actually enjoying freaky, kinky sex is somehow a horrible terrible thing is ludicrous. There really are far too many far worse things to worry about that actually do harm other people.”

This is the same guy that commented earlier who continues, yes, even after this, to battle the naysayers.

“There are very strong pressures in all societies to make us get married to one person of the opposite sex, work hard for our entire lives, raise children and finally die without making any unpleasant noises.”

I just really liked this statement for some reason…it belongs to a larger, less-coherent paragraph.

“My advice? If you really feel the need have a tryst or two first. See how unattached this form of sex has for you. Odds are very strong bonding will take place, regardless, and it will probably challenge your current relationship.  The Elite, including George Soros (who funds AlterNet), probably is full of glee over this idea. Why? Because as it destroys relationships it offers more opportunities for lawyers, landlords, etc. after your primary relationship is destroyed in a way that will probably feel like taking in the sun off the coast of Japan yesterday.”

Sex with strangers makes the elite richer!  Middle America must fight with monogamy…and cut taxes.  Somehow this guy gets into Hitler and why he killed the gays and how no one really knows….he lost me.  This is his conclusion:

“As an old hippie I do understand how this groups sex experiment went in the 60’s. For all those sexual freaks out there — and bless you hearts — the more important answer to investigate is what led to the persecution of Gays in Germany after the fall of the Wiemar republic.

I’m guessing it has much to do with both human nature and social engineering by scum bags like Soros who like to nudge us in the wrong direction — again and again — so that they ultimately profit and you ultimately lose.”

Then a couple people booed the old hippie for not loving orgies.

Then this happened which I also could not really follow.  Someone started talking about how it was wrong to commercialize group sex under the front of “community building.”

Den Hickey (yes, the SAME guy…still fighting the crazies) pointed out that the place didn’t seem to be for-profit…then this:

“Well, outside of prostitution and of course birth control, sex itself doesn’t really produce much money for anybody.”
Then this:
“Some feminists think marriage itself is a form of legalized prostitution.”
Then this….
“Some feminists think very little of feminism, as it stands today.”
And then….THIS.
“Some feminists have mustaches and get married to girls.

Or, as Malcolm Muggeridge put it: “The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfillment.”

So, that was fun. Also fun? That last guy’s website (note the tagline: “the best essays in the united states!”)

This person started on a rant about how orgies are signs of sexual addiction (I think?) and ended with a chicken simile. Talent.

“Who the hell knows?, expecially when the walls of surplus repression are growing like baby chicken beaks on testosterone; human beings are Gods of rationalization, and the beastie rarely gives us clarity about our own actions when doused with hormones or when terrorized by the special loneliness only modern cities can conjure. “

And then!  Here are the ties for my two favorites:

“What a bunch of sluts! Sex is so overrated, try smoking a joint or volunteering instead of being ‘so cool’ or a ‘young professional.'”

Seriously, Anna. Stop trying to be such a “young professional” and smoke a joint!

“When is the mayor of a large city going to declare himself a Masturbating Mayor and to declare his city an official Masturbating City?

(Good. Fucking. Question.)

Seattle would make an ideal candidate for the first openly masturbating city. They’ve got a space needle that could be turned into a giant welcoming phallus and Quest Field could be converted into a giant welcoming vagina.
Single consenting Adult should the same legal rights as other Americans and he needs to have a flagship city too.
All Power to the Pee Hole.”

(aaaaaaaaaaand scene).