Dear Anna,

I’ve been dating this amazing girl for about six weeks. Our relationship, while new, feels different, intense, and somehow, deeply personal. I respect and admire her character, and our intellectual chemistry is undeniable. At the same time, I’ve been burned too many times in the past by intense infatuation, mistaking it for love. I don’t want to make that mistake again.

Given these feelings, my question is how can I distinguish between love and lust? How can I be sure that what I’m feeling is not merely a powerful physical attraction but a deep emotional connection that signifies love?—Confusing Real Understanding with Silly Heart

Dear CRUSH,

Your question is one of the ages: Love or lust? Cats or dogs? Swiftie or Beyhive? It’s also a great example of something called an either/or fallacy, in that such a question assumes you’re either one or the other—and nothing exists in between those two options. But, of course, plenty does. Let’s parse. 

While lust typically presents as a more immediate, intense desire largely focused on the physical aspects, and love often involves a more profound emotional bond that deepens over time, the two emotional states don’t exist in a vacuum. 

We’re complex beings capable of experiencing a multitude of feelings at once. For instance, while watching an episode of The Golden Bachelor recently, I felt a potent mixture of shame, nostalgia, love, denial, giddiness, boredom, bargaining, then back to shame. The human heart is a wonder! Combine it with genitals and there’s truly no stopping us for making wonderfully horrendous decisions. (And boy, do we!)

You can experience both love and lust at the same time, or neither, or lust first, then love, or love first, then lust, then back to love. Or lust, anxiety, fear, hope, and excitement, then love, then nothing. 

This is to say that these two powerhouses of emotion can exist together, separately, concurrently, or sequentially, and distinguishing between them can quite often feel daunting, if not outright impossible. In fact, love and lust might be better understood as operating on the same spectrum. Let’s call it the Intense Feelz spectrum, for fun.

(Un)fortunately, the tried and true way to discern whether what you’re experiencing will last and deepen or fizzle into nothing is simply to be patient. Time is an amazing clarity agent. It helps to distill emotions and tease apart the tangled tendrils of Intense Feelz. Because the infatuation/honeymoon phase doesn’t last forever, time is also your friend here. Lust clouds our judgment. We can’t very well assess a person’s red flags when we’re getting railed on a park bench. (Trust me, I’ve tried.)

Put another way, parsing lust from love while infatuated (as you are) is like trying to do your taxes after consuming an entire box of Franzia wine. You could do it theoretically, but whyyy?

This isn’t to deter you from wondering. I love to tediously analyze my feelings! But you might not find any satisfying answers. At least not right away (because, time). 

Your mention of intellectual chemistry, introspection, respect—these are all potential cornerstones of a deep connection. Instead of either/or musings, however, I’d encourage you instead to take a more open-ended approach.

Ask yourself: Does this person enrich my life? Do I look forward to shared growth? Do their values align with mine? How does their presence inspire me? Do any warning bells go off in my body when I’m around them? Allow such thoughtfulness to ground and guide you.

Remember that only you can truly discern your feelings. Take your time, dialogue with your heart/genitals, and try not to get too attached to outcomes. Sometimes when we want very badly for something to be love (or lust), we can be blinded to the more glaring realities of a situation. 

Here’s wishing you peace and clarity and park benches.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.