Dear Anna,

I broke up with my ex, and a few weeks later, she told me she’s pregnant. I told her that I didn’t want another child as I already have a child from a previous relationship. She insisted that she’ll keep the child. I informed her that I won’t have any involvement as I’m being forced to become a father against my will. It’s now 7 months later and she is forcing me to be supportive emotionally and financially (to give her money for doctors appointments and transport). I told her that I’m open to co-parenting, even though I am not happy about the pregnancy, but now she wants us to be in a relationship and I don’t want it at all as in the past there were too many issues. What do I do?–Reluctant Parent

Dear RP,

This is not an ideal situation for anyone involved. Not you, not her, and definitely not this soon-to-be baby.

At the bare minimum, you should not be in a romantic relationship with a woman you don’t want to be with. (None of us should be in relationships with people we don’t want to be with.)

So don’t do that.

That said, you’re going to have some kind of relationship with her, which happens in accidental pregnancy situations like this, even if you’d rather never talk to her or see her again.

In the U.S., there’s not a lot of wiggle room (or sympathy, for that matter) for a man who accidentally impregnates a woman but doesn’t want to raise a child with her. And this makes sense if you look at it historically, as paternity laws took aim at men who knocked up whomever they wanted (mistresses, sex workers, etc.) and walked away scot-free. Short of revising such laws, however, your choice is to be the best dad and person you can, given the extremely not-ideal circumstances.

But first: Take a paternity test to confirm the child is, in fact, biologically yours. Your ex might not agree to do it until the baby is born, however.

Secondly, you’re not under obligation to provide your ex emotional support. Though it’s decent of you to do so, even though you feel “forced” to. Pregnancy causes all kinds of hormonal changes and your ex is likely anxious and worried about the future. (I sure would be.) But when it comes to having a decent co-parenting relationship, you’re likely going to have to work hard to establish and maintain healthy boundaries for yourself. 

How’s your relationship with your other ex/co-parent? Is it amicable? If not, I recommend finding models of people who are in successful, non-romantic, co-parenting situations, either people you know or online support groups. Do some reading and research and come up with a parenting plan that delineates who’s responsible for what. (There are also co-parenting counselors, if it comes to that.)

While you’re not emotionally beholden to your ex, you are going to be responsible for paying child support, depending on what kind of co-parenting situation you (and likely a judge or child support agency) work out. ​​How much child support you’ll be responsible for depends on a number of factors, including how the custody split shakes out.

Life throws all kinds of curve balls at us. 

I didn’t want to lose my hearing. I didn’t want to wear hearing aids (and still miss half of the conversations around me). But it happened. And I’m dealing with it. Because the alternative is what? To deny it? To complain? Neither would change the fact that my life is not what I hoped it might be.

I know that having this kid wasn’t on your agenda. You’re not happy about it, and yet, it’s happening, no matter how you feel. So what can you do to reckon with it? How can you find acceptance and peace and a sense of control in this unplanned, unexpected situation? You might be feeling trapped now, but you actually have many choices about how to deal with this. There are many things we can’t control, but even more that we do. Every day you make choices about the kind of person you want to be. Who is that person? 

As Winston Churchill put it, “The price of greatness is responsibility.”

What does greatness look like in you? 

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!