any girl that lived within a 100 mile radius of a mall growing up will tell you they at some point went or desperately wanted to go to Glamour Shots, a combination makeover and portrait studio that promises to make you into a beautiful texan prostitute. This was Glamourous me, at age 12:

as is evident from this picture, my attractiveness clearly peaked in the sixth grade. but ellie decided to surprise me with a glamour shots reunion in the orland park mall. apparently they take themselves a little more seriously than they used to because i didn’t see any sparkly sequined american flag jackets anywhere, but a little bit of the glamour shots i remember still showed through.

(for glamour shots pics of dogs in feather boas, click here. they won’t let me download any)

the “professional make-up technician” was a sweet suburban girl who chewed apple-flavored gum and asked me three times what i meant when i said i didn’t wear any make-up. “not even mascara?” she asked, hopeful. i almost felt like i should lie about it, to make her less anxious. but soon i was covered in chimney soot eyeshadow and airbrush foundation, which i thought meant digital retouching but was actually concealer in gun form. they shoot you in the face now. it’s kind of amazing. then she teased my hair into a rather pathetic beehive. i told her not to stop until she got to medium level amy winehouse, but my hair is just too flat for a respectable hive, so i gave up after two rounds of teasing.

it took the staff a long time to realize we were anything but completely serious about our glamour shots, even though our props included a giant candy cane, fuzzy handcuffs, a plastic carnation and a purple feather boa. but who knows, maybe they get a lot of requests for spanking poses. either way, they seemed unfazed by our garish outfit choices and s/m proclivities. in fact, they offered a few of their own suggestions about how we could best utilize the handcuffs. “i’m thinking you should definitely be on the floor. have her drag you around some…yessss, now let me just sprinkle some rose petals..”

after the shoot, they told us we could buy a 16 x 20 framed portrait for only $1,500. she said it with such nonchalance, as if we were purchasing a Cinnabun and not a picture equivalent to three months worth of rent. needless to say, we now have a 16 x 20 framed photograph of me spanking ellie with a giant candy cane. who cares if i have to sell my eggs to pay for it. this is GLAMOUR SHOTS. okay not really, but we did get some pictures. here’s a sneak preview of the awesomeness to come: