This column originally appeared on the Chicago Tribune.

Dear Anna,

I’m a 25-year-old man, and I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year now. We love each other and have a great connection, but I can’t help but feel jealous and insecure at times. Like, she has a lot of guy friends, and they often hang out together, sometimes without me. I trust her, but I can’t shake the feeling of unease when she’s spending time with them. She’s also on social media a lot and frequently receives compliments and messages from other guys. I know she’s just being friendly, but it makes me feel insecure about our relationship. I don’t want to be the controlling boyfriend or make her feel like she can’t have her own life, but I’m struggling to cope with these feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Any advice is appreciated.—Deep, Open Understanding Before Trust

Dear DOUBT,

Jealousy is such an interesting feeling. It flares at a moment’s notice, without warning, and often over the most trivial things—a flirtatious tweet, a shade of lipstick, a touch on a shoulder! Sometimes jealousy is founded, but a lot of the time, it’s not them, it’s us—a little warning bell signaling that something happened to us in the past (or our fears of what might happen).

First off, kudos to you for recognizing that jealousy and insecurity are totally natural emotions that can pop up in any relationship, even the most secure ones. But fear not! You can indeed tackle these feelings and strengthen your bond with your girlfriend—it’s how we handle these emotions that can make all the difference in maintaining a healthy and loving partnership.

Here are some helpful tips to cope with jealousy and insecurity in your relationship:

Heart-to-heart talks
Share your feelings with your girlfriend in a non-confrontational way. (It’s super important to not sound accusatory here as that makes people defensive.) Let her know that you trust her, but you sometimes struggle with jealousy and insecurity. By opening up, you’ll create a safe space for both of you to discuss your feelings, reassure each other, and work together to find solutions.

Trust-building exercises
Trust is an ongoing thing. It might help to set aside a few minutes each week to ask your partner how they’re feeling and share your own emotions. Being vulnerable is scary, but it’s the best way to deepen your relationship and confront hard feelings head-on. Another quick trust boost is to play the Appreciation Game: Take turns sharing something you appreciate about each other. This helps to reinforce positive feelings and strengthen your emotional bond.

Reflect on the root causes
Take some time to explore the underlying reasons for your emotions. Are there any past experiences or personal insecurities that may be contributing to these feelings? Understanding the root causes can help you address them more effectively. One time my partner had a work trip and I found myself weirdly jealous seeing her looking all good in her business attire! I realized that this was because I had been wearing stained sweatpants for approximately 19 months and that it might make me feel better if I took a little care about my own appearance.

Confidence boost
Be kind and understanding towards yourself. Jealousy happens. (And moves on.) Acknowledge your feelings and work on building your self-esteem and confidence. One way to do that is to engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself—cooking? Doing 15 push-ups? Salsa dancing? Building gingerbread houses? Rocking something you’re good at can help alleviate feelings of insecurity. 

Boundaries bonanza
After you’ve discussed your feelings and concerns with your girlfriend, work together to set some ground rules about your friendships and social media interactions, ensuring that you both feel comfortable and respected. For instance, you might limit time spent on social media each day, to ensure you both feel more important to each other than your phones. You might also talk about privacy—what you choose to share or not share about yourselves or relationships.

Positivity party
Remind yourself of the reasons why you love and trust your girlfriend. Celebrate your relationship’s strengths and work together to grow and improve as a couple. You might also start a gratitude journal, writing down all the amazing things about your relationship, which can help you focus on the good instead of dwelling on insecurities.

Remember, it’s essential to approach this issue with empathy and understanding for both yourself and your partner. You can’t make jealousy or insecurity vanish entirely, but by working together and following these tips, you can manage these feelings better and ensure they don’t stick around as long.

Best of luck.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!