This column originally appeared on the Chicago Tribune.

Dear Anna,

I’m currently planning my wedding to the wonderful man of my dreams. The process itself is less than thrilling but we’re working together as a team to tackle all the little logistical things and hurdles. A problem that I didn’t anticipate, however, is the feelings I’m having when people RSVP no—in particular, only one person from my family is coming, my sister. I love that I’ll be surrounded by friends on my big day, but I can’t help but feel hurt that my family, who I thought would show up for me, isn’t coming. I’ve certainly been invited to weddings that I wasn’t able to attend for financial or scheduling or COVID reasons, so I know it’s likely not personal, but it feels personal. How can I deal with this and focus on what truly matters—that I’m going to celebrate the love of my life?—Being Rigid In Demanding Expectations 

Dear BRIDE,

First off, congrats on snagging the man of your dreams! It’s not everyday that you find someone worth spending your life with, so big ups to you two—I wish you every happiness. 

It’s totally valid to feel hurt that people you care about can’t make it to your big day. Weddings are, in many ways, extremely loaded events and we attach way more meaning, disappointment, and weight than they deserve. That’s not your fault—society tells us that this one day is THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF OUR LIVES. How can we not fall short of such a ridiculous ideal? (We can’t.) 

And, really, it’s just a party. A very expensive party.

Remember also that weddings are a giant, love-fueled jigsaw puzzle, and sometimes the pieces just don’t fit perfectly for everyone. (Sometimes not even for you.)

So, how do you deal with the hurt feelings without letting it hinder the love fest that awaits you and your future spouse? Here are a few tips:

Allow yourself to grieve. Let yourself feel all the things you’re feeling. Whether you’re hurt, pissed off, depressed, or perhaps all of those things at once, the fastest way to deal with feelings is to simply feel them. Don’t push them away or shove them down. Open yourself to the pain, let it core and dismantle you. Then, once the storm has finished raging inside of you, dust yourself off and keep going. Feelings are always temporary. They pass. Remembering that will help you when you’re feeling the lowest lows.

Something that helped me when I was grieving the death of my father (admittedly somewhat different than your conundrum but not entirely) was to set aside five minutes a day, in the morning usually, to just think about him. Sometimes I would journal but usually I would just ugly-cry. When I allowed myself the space to feel the full weight and depth of my agony, I was surprised at how quickly the feelings moved on. Eventually, I only had to do the ritual every other day, then once a week, and now I do it only very occasionally, on his birthday and death day. You might try a similar ritual to feel the pain and disappointment you’re experiencing around your family.

Embrace the sisterly love: Then, practice a little gratitude for the family that is coming. Your sister’s got your back and will be there to celebrate with you. That’s not nothing. Plus, you two can bond even more during this special time, which will make your relationship closer.

Remember other ways your fam has shown up for you. When I’m feeling especially disappointed by someone who’s important to me—and literally everyone is disappointed by their families at some point!—I try to remember all the other ways they’ve shown up for me in the past, whether it was offering encouragement, sharing time or space with me, buying a book, being there for me during a hard time, or even giving me cash when I desperately needed it. 

People show their love in vastly different ways at vastly different times—love isn’t a one-and-done thing. It moves. So, while it stings that this particular time certain people can’t show up for you, it doesn’t mean they never have or never will again.

It’s not you, it’s them: As you said yourself, people have their reasons for not attending, and most of the time, it has nothing to do with you. Life gets in the way, and that’s okay. Just remember that their absence doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. Tell yourself a better story.

Quality over quantity: Spend a little time fixating on the amazing friends and loved ones who are coming to your wedding. They’re the ones who’ll be dancing the night away with you, toasting with you, and sharing in all your wedded bliss. That’s worth celebrating.

In queer parlance, we call them chosen family—they’re our ride-or-dies, they show up for us in the middle of the night, they bring us food when we’re sick, they read and edit our sexts, they love us unequivocally when our family or society has rejected us because of who we love or who we are. It’s a bond more powerful than blood because it’s a choice. A daily, intentional f*ck yes! Honor those people in your life. Let them be your family.

Virtual love: If some family members can’t physically be there, you could also consider setting up a livestream or video chat to include them in the festivities. That way, they can still share in the joy of your big day. 

Keep perspective: At the end of the day, your wedding is a celebration of the love between you and your soon-to-be spouse. As long as you two are there, that’s what truly counts. The greatest gift of all is that you’re marrying the love of your life! And nobody can take that joy from you.

Happy planning, BRIDE! And may your special day be beautiful and imperfect—like you, like all of us.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!