So, I have 2 best friends who dated each other but their relationship was super toxic. I’ve known them for several years and they both completely trust me, especially the girl (let’s call her Nina). Her ex-boyfriend (aka my other friend, let’s call him Alex) and I have been awesome friends since before I met Nina, and she was always a bit jealous of our friendship to begin with. They broke up about 7 months ago and she’s still jealous when other girls hang with him, which is where I come in. Alex and I kinda had a small thing for the other at (different) points of our friendship, and we told each other about that after we’d gotten over it. Recently we decided to become friends with benefits so we could… give the other what they needed if they were lonely (if you catch my drift) or maybe progress into an actual relationship when both of us are ready to be in one again. Either way, Nina’s keeping an eye out for every girl who even looks at him and she doesn’t suspect us, but I’m wondering if it’s a bad thing that I’m basically fucking Alex behind her back. On one hand, I don’t think it’s bad because they broke up and she was insanely jealous and possessive of him while they were dating, but on the other, I feel bad because she’s a good friend of mine and really cared about Alex. What do you think I should/shouldn’t do?––Best Friend Triangle

Dear BFT,

You should tell her that you’re fucking Alex. Not only that, but you like him, and that you want to be with him if/when the time is right. (Why not now? You’re both single, right?) 

You should tell her because: a) a trusted friend is one you don’t need to keep such secrets from, and b) she’s going to find out anyway and the fallout will be better if it comes from you.

Do it sooner than later. 

A true best friend would be happy for you both, and want what’s best for you. However, given your description of Nina, I’m pretty skeptical that she’s going to shower you both in celebratory glitter when she hears this news. If I had to put money on it, my guess is that this will end your friendship. And if it does, that sucks, but at least you know how genuine her friendship was to begin with. 

And if it doesn’t, then that’s even better. (Except some uncomfortable conversations with her, regardless of the outcome. But this is okay! It’s part of adulting.) 

As much as it hurts when people we date move on and start dating or boning other people, we can’t actually stop them from moving on, nor do we get to decide who they move on with. Nina can’t control what Alex does (and vice versa), as much as she may want him to take a vow of celibacy or walk into the sea. So if she does “really care about him,” as she claims to, then she’ll come around eventually. 

I hope she does. I’ve seen far too many female friendships end over dudes––myself included! And if we could get past those initial hurt feelings, (which are valid and awful! No disrespect to the Ninas of the world) I think a lot of us would see that friendship is often worth fighting for.

I wish you luck and compassion and fortitude in the face of awkward confrontations.

If you have a date with someone and invite them back to your place for a drink, does that mean sex? I think it implies an invitation to get physical, but not necessarily sex. My friend disagreed, and thought it was an explicit come on. So what does it mean?––Just Askew Vagina Assumptions

Dear JAVA,

Sex is never something that should be assumed. Unless someone is like, “Do you want to come over and have sex with me?” And even then, we still shouldn’t assume anything, because “sex” means different things to different people. One person’s fun-times fingerblasting session is another’s buxom butt stuff soiree, to put it less clearly.

An invitation back to someone’s place after a date could mean one of a few things: They want to get to know you better/spend more time with you; they want something physical to happen and this is a polite way to see if perhaps you want that, too; or they’re having a good time and aren’t ready for the date to end yet.

It could be all of the above, frankly. But it’s not cool to make assumptions about someone’s willingness to go to Poundtown without getting explicit consent from all parties.

Now someone bring me a drink. Platonically!

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!