Hi Anna,
I’m 26 (F), and my boyfriend (28) and I have been together for almost three years. We moved in together six months ago, and ever since, I’ve noticed a pretty big change in our sex life. Before moving in, we used to have sex several times a week, but now it’s once a week, or maybe twice if it’s, like, a special occasion. I didn’t expect things to stay exactly the same forever, but I didn’t think things would cool down this much, this fast either.
There’s no big issues or fights between us, and I still find him really attractive. He says he’s just tired after work and that he’s not unhappy with how things are, but I’m starting to worry. Is it normal for things to slow down like this after moving in together, or should I be concerned? How do I bring more heat to our relationship without making him feel pressured?—Confused, Overly Cravey
Dear COC,
“Normal” is a value judgment, and not all that helpful when it comes to sex—people’s sexual experiences and desires vary so much that you can’t just slap a label on it and say, this is the gold standard.
We still try, though. I mean, we can’t even agree on the best breakfast cereal*, and that’s just sugar!
Anyway. If we swap out “normal” for “common,” then yes, it’s totally common for sex to ebb and flow in long-term relationships.
That shift you’re noticing, from steamy spontaneity to a more relaxed rhythm, often happens when couples go from dating to sharing a home. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong. It means you’re evolving as a couple, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Living together changes the dynamic. Remember the anticipation when you didn’t live together? Every date had the energy of “I can’t wait to see you,” and sex probably felt like an event to look forward to.
Now, you’re sharing bills, space, chores, the whole thing—and suddenly, sex is competing with that pot he left to “soak” in the sink four days ago. Instead of being an event, sex is something that could happen on the couch, maybe, if it’s early enough, and you didn’t eat too much pasta.
As routine settles in, it’s easy to mistake “less sex” for “less desire,” but that’s not always the case. The frequency can dip because the relationship isn’t as new, because your schedules don’t align like they used to, or probably the biggest culprit—you’re not prioritizing sex the way you once did.
Even if nothing feels fundamentally off between you two, the way you express intimacy might naturally shift from those earlier whirlwind days.
But! It’s not all doom, gloom, and pasta sex. Just because it’s common doesn’t mean you should do nothing. It’s okay to want more connection, and sex is a part of that. The goal isn’t to go back to the way things were, but to find a new “normal” that makes you both feel happy and fulfilled.
It’s awesome that you’ve already had one conversation with your boyfriend, even though you’re not totally aligned on where things are at the moment. But just because he’s okay with things as-is doesn’t mean you can’t ask for more—it’s not selfish or needy to want that.
The key is to approach this as a chance to recalibrate what intimacy looks like for the two of you.
Start by expanding your definition of “sex.” It doesn’t have to be the traditional, all-in affair every time. Sometimes it can be quick or artless or one-sided—things like handies, jerking off together, or one partner giving the other an assist during a solo session. Think of it as widening the menu of what counts as physical connection.
Beyond the physical, it’s about being more intentional when it comes to eroticism and desire. Plan date nights that have nothing to do with your usual routines—put on real clothes! Leave the house! Flirt with each other throughout the day. Sext! Put in the kind of effort you did during your early courtship, and you’re likely to see an uptick in longing, too.
A little distance helps, too, if you can swing it. Space gives you a chance to miss each other in ways that are more difficult when you’re constantly together.
The adage “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” applies to our fun bits as well. It’s hard to long for someone who’s there all the time, playing Fortnite in a stained hoodie.
Creating space lets the anticipation build, making your time together feel more intentional and exciting.
Shifts like this happen to every couple as they move from the “honeymoon” phase to the long haul of partnership. But, nothing is ever stagnant. Things move. Desire can dip but it can also swing back up on a moment’s notice. It’s like the ocean—sometimes the tides are high, sometimes they’re low, sometimes a seagull eats your leftovers even though that saag paneer was clearly labeled, Brad!
At the end of the day, it’s okay to ask for what you need. You might not always get it, but relationships thrive on communication and compromise, and sometimes a lil change is as simple as saying, “Hey, I miss us. How can we make space for that again?”
* If you want to start a pointless debate with someone today, share this list of the “best” breakfast cereals of all time.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!
This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.
