Dear Anna,

Here’s the situation: A couple of years back, my boyfriend of almost six years completely screwed me – cheated on me with a friend, stole my money, wrecked my car, the works. Since I broke up with him, I’ve tried to live life to the fullest. I drink, I party, and I have hot casual sex with attractive people. The most serious “relationship” I’ve had since then was only three dates. While it’s enjoyable in the moment, I can’t help but feel heartache when these guys move on, even though I’m the one who pushes them to do so. What on earth am I doing wrong? I seem to be embracing this rebellious persona, yet deep down I still feel like the same old “good girl.” Can you help me understand and navigate this? —Another Notorious Girl’s Experience Lacking

Dear ANGEL,

We’ve all been there. After a tough breakup, many of us enjoy the excitement of a no-strings-attached lifestyle. Or, if not enjoy it, then at least attempt to, while we heal, cope, move forward, and figure out what our next steps or next relationships might entail.

The rebound phase is for exploration, for tasting every fruit the tree of freedom has to offer. There’s undeniable charm and independence that comes with living life on your terms and chasing temporary thrills. And, perhaps more than anything, rebounding is a way to reclaim yourself, your heart, and your spirit, post-breakup.  

That said, it sounds like your rebound era has run its course, and this is perfectly normal. Such lifestyles can’t (and shouldn’t) last forever—much like the honeymoon phase I talked about last week. Why? Because we burn out. Eventually our bodies and our hearts seek gentler and more familiar shores. So the only thing you’re doing “wrong” is that you’re doing the same things you have been for the last couple years and they’re no longer working for you.

What do you do next? Something different! What that looks like could take many different forms. Here are some suggestions.

Take a break from casual sex or drinking or partying—or all three. Life detox! Use this time to put on your reflective cap and figure out what your true desires and values are, those feelings buried under the exhilarating rush of flings and martinis.

Recognize also that rebounding after a breakup is a form of self-protection. You don’t want to get hurt again, understandably. Getting hurt sucks. And it sounds like the situation with your ex was a real doozy in particular. But at some point—and it sounds like you’ve reached it—you realize that if you want a deeper emotional bond with someone new, you have to be vulnerable and do scary things that could potentially open you up to the possibility of getting hurt again. 

In other words, you might find that you want that fourth date, after all. 

But the real crux is to not let your crappy past relationship dictate your present behavior. Especially when it leads to “heartache,” as you said.

Also, while we love to police women’s sexuality by putting them into one of two boxes—good girl or bad girl—you’re neither one nor the other. Because there are no good girls or bad girls. There are only people—complex, delightfully flawed, making it through each day however we can. The girl who wants emotional connection and everlasting love can be the same girl who wants to be bent over hotel furniture while smoking a j and eating an entire Totino’s Party Pizza. All are valid choices when they align with your values and desires, and none define your self-worth AT ALL.

At the center of your explorations and reflections in the coming weeks should be a search for your authenticity. Self-acceptance is paramount. Strive to find harmony between the “good” and the “rebel” within you, as they are both parts of your identity. Rejecting one for the other will only cause more internal conflict.

Remember that you have the capacity to redefine your rules in sex, love, and relationships. What do you really, really want? Figure it out, then go get it.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!

This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.