This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.
I’m a 24-year-old, fit, gym-loving woman who’s been dating a caring and generous 26-year-old guy for a few months. He always makes or buys me food and encourages me to eat whatever I want when we go out. I’ve gained some weight, but he insists I look great. I thought this was all very sweet and loving until I discovered that he’s into weight gain/feeding porn—nothing crazy, mostly thin girls with belly bloat, but still. Now his caring and thoughtful behaviors seem kind of gross, like he was nonconsensually making me part of his kink. Where do we go from here?—Feeling Existential Dread Under Pressure
Dear FEDUP,
I can see why such a discovery would be a shock and make you question your boyfriend’s behaviors and thoughtfulness. Totally normal dating actions—like going out to eat or making someone food—are now called into question because of his food-related kink.
For those who don’t know, feederism is a fetish where one person, the feeder, derives pleasure from providing food to another person, the feedee, and watching them gain weight or become bloated.
While his care is (likely) tied up with his desires, at least when it comes to food, you don’t really know how much and to what extent. As with any fetish, there are more benign and extreme versions. It might not be a big part of his desires, but you’ll have to talk to him about it to find out more.
On your end, the question becomes: Can you find pleasure and enjoyment in his food caretaking without feeling “gross” about it?
You’ve only been dating for a few months so the answer might very well be no, especially if every meal you share is now going to feel loaded, and like you’re engaging in a kink you don’t want to be engaging in. That might be reason enough to end things now.
Other questions to think about include: Do his other qualities and behaviors make him someone worth exploring romantically? Does he caretake in other ways that have nothing to do with food? In other words, is he genuinely caring in other aspects of your relationship? Is he a thoughtful person, regardless of what gets him off?
Because fetishes are so stigmatized, it can be hard not to think, this person IS his fetish, but people are more complex than that. Not every behavior or decision a person makes is because of their kink, so it may be a bit short-sighted to dismiss your guy’s thoughtfulness as just perverse.
That said, of course a feeder fetish can complicate your relationship to eating and food—a subject that’s already emotionally fraught! But it also seems like he’s not pressuring you to eat when you’re not hungry or engaging in coercive behavior around food.
Considering the alternative (and sadly common) behavior of a man policing his partner’s body and food choices and criticizing her when she gains weight, a dude who encourages his girlfriend to eat what she wants might be considered a perk.
Your body is your own and you ultimately decide what gets to go in it. But if you derive pleasure from eating and he derives pleasure from feeding you, well, then can you come to a place where you’re mutually experiencing that pleasure together?
Whatever you decide, it’s important to approach this situation with empathy and understanding. What if he had a gym fetish and got off thinking about you sweating on a treadmill? Would that make gyms gross for you? If he had a foot fetish, would you feel weird going barefoot?
Maybe you would. And that’s for you to determine.
Remember, too, that it’s natural for people to gain some weight at the beginning of relationships as they adjust to new habits and routines. Your weight gain might simply be a byproduct of going out to restaurants and indulging in the (usually) harmless hedonism that is dating—dessert, drinks, Netflix and chilling!
Not everything has to be nefarious, in other words. But if you can’t disentangle the food caretaking from the fetish, then that’s likely going to be a dealbreaker for you.
When discussing this with your dude, choose a private and comfortable setting where both of you can express your thoughts and feelings openly. Start by expressing your appreciation for his caring nature and how he treats you. Then, gently bring up your discovery and ask him if he’s comfortable discussing his preferences and desires with you, and also tell him how this discovery made you feel.
Depending on how the conversation goes, you might suss out some boundaries that work for you, such as determining you’ll only eat out once a week, or forgoing dessert. Or maybe he commits to going to the gym with you x times a week, and so on.
TL;DR: Express your concerns, set boundaries that work for both of you, or, if you can’t untangle his fetish from your feelings/self-image/health, then break up.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!
