This column originally appeared on The Chicago Tribune.
Dear Anna,
As a late-twenty-something woman, I’ve experienced the highs and lows of the dating world for a few years now—with one meaningful relationship, a few fun flings, some bad ideas, and plenty of meh first dates. But lately, I find myself surprisingly jaded. Dating feels more like a chore than a joy, and even casual encounters have lost their thrill. No matter how appealing the person I’m meeting is, I can’t seem to summon the excitement I used to feel. I’m not sure if it’s the repetitive nature of dating apps, the fleeting romances, or impending holiday malaise, but I find myself questioning WTF I’m doing. I very much want a partner, but lately dating feels like that definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Any advice on why I might be experiencing such feelings and how to regain my enthusiasm for dating and intimacy would be greatly appreciated. —Beckoning Love Amid Hollowness
Dear BLAH,
You’ve probably heard of the term burnout. We tend to think about the concept in a workplace context—the Great Resignation comes to mind—but burnout happens in our personal lives as well, dating included.
Dating burnout is a natural response to repetitiveness, disappointments, or overwhelming experiences in the dating world. This burnout can result from various factors like swiping apps (which have gamified dating into short dopamine bursts, much like social media), short-lived relationships, or changes in personal needs and desires.
How do you overcome dating burnout? Easy. Take a break from it. For a month? Six weeks? January 1 could be a good time to check in with yourself and see if you’re ready to get back in the game or need more time, since culturally, that’s a prime time to start over.
Quit the apps, say no to setups, and cancel your Thanksgiving speed dating events. (Do those exist?) Take a step back to reflect on your priorities, values, and relationship goals. Digging deep into what you want can help reinvigorate the excitement in the dating process once you get back into it.
Some may argue that perseverance is key to getting what you want—in this case, finding the right partner. And, yes, that’s technically true. But even the most hardcore goal-pursuers among us still take breaks to rest and recharge. Besides, in order to make healthy connections, you have to prioritize your emotional wellness. And you can’t do that when you’re frazzled and full of situationship malaise.
What should you fill the void with? Anything you want! Being a well-rounded person involves so much more than having stilted conversations with strangers over Bloomin’ Onions. To make the most of your new free time, you could devote yourself to the three big Happiness tenets, proven by science to boost your mood:
Learn a new hobby/skill (or get back into an old one): This gives you a sense of mastery, ignites confidence, and puts you into a state of flow.
Get more exercise/sleep: The magic pills for joy, which often fall by the wayside when schedules get hectic.
Cultivate your social life: Connect with friends, loved ones, acquaintances—outside of a dating context. Even better if you’re connecting while engaging in exercise or a hobby you enjoy.
Other ways to recharge and take the reins on your personal growth include mindfulness and meditation, journaling/free-writing, and just chilling TF out. Winter is coming, after all. Now is a time to nest, read the books you’ve been putting off all year, and eat too many cookies.
Studies have shown that taking care of oneself in these ways can improve personal well-being and emotional resilience, ultimately benefiting dating experiences down the road.
Remember, your relationship with yourself sets the tone for the relationships you build with others—keep it strong, and you’ll rediscover the excitement that once defined your dating experiences.
Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter, or check out her books!
