My friend is dating this guy that has a “free” subscription to FHM (For Him Magazine) which is so much more than a clever acronym. A wannabe Maxim, FHM hosts a panoply of “universal truths that define guys as guys” such as “My Best Friend,” which showcases Jessica and Kara, two best friends, untying each other’s string bikinis in a sudsy jacuzzi. What makes Jessica and Kara such good friends, you ask? Kara: “You throw your boobs on my head.” Jessica: “And you love it.”

There are not only hundreds (hundreds!) of scantily clad ladies for you to clean your pipes with but at the end of the magazine is a section called “20 HOT DATES!” These ladies are looking for love in all the right places. If you see one you like, you can contact her, probably with your credit card information. Without further ado, meet…

Kelly: “I had my DD breasts reduced to C’s because I was tired of guys’ comments. The only thing they were good for was hiding stuff. I once smuggled a fifth of vodka out of a party between them.”

Angela: “Guys think I’m high maintenance but I’m not–I just want to do things most people can’t afford, like flying to France for a date.

Shannon: “I love karaoke. I got my best friend to sing ‘Baby Got Back’ with me, but she kept yelling, ‘Don’t rub your butt on me.'”

Jenafer: “I’m really aggressive. I once tried to kiss a guy at a party, but he resisted. I tried and failed five times that night. There’s nothing wrong with working to get what you want.”

Tiffany: “I hate when guys get all hard street-talking on you. I guess that’s what I get for dating white guys with gold teeth.”

Jodie: “I’ve been learning striptease with help from a Carmen Electra DVD. It’s fun and Carmen is sexy, but it’s hard work too. The first time I did it, my butt ached for two days!”

Morgan: “Once I said I was Hanukkah when I meant Jewish. I also thought the Carolinas were islands.”