Taylor Lautner’s abs and other revelations



This Thanksgiving has been full of revelations. I learned that I can and will enthusiastically peel a pomegranate for two straight hours. I learned that as long as technology keeps evolving, people will also keep devising ways to have sex with it. I also learned that movie rental stores are going out of business, evidenced by this conversation Ellie had with a neighborhood DVD store while trying to rent the first Twilight movie. The conversation itself is not that interesting, until you realize that it’s a PORN STORE! Which we didn’t find out until way later actually.

Ellie: Hi, do you rent DVDs?

Porn Store Clerk: No, we stopped renting them, like everyone else.

Ellie: Everyone else stopped too?

Porn Store Clerk: Yeah, all the stores in the city, basically. DVDs were coming back damaged, and it just wasn’t worth it.

Ellie: All the stores in the city? Really?

Porn Store Clerk: Yep. But we sell them, 3 for $10, we have over 1500 titles.

Ellie: Oh! That’s basically the same price as a rental, then.

Porn Store Clerk: Yep. You should come check it out.

Ellie: Can you check for me– I’m a little embarrassed to ask, but I’m looking for the Twilight movies?

Porn Store Clerk: Twilight? Is that the name of a movie or a production company?

Ellie: It’s a movie. Uh, about teenage vampires, it was based on a book? One just came out recently in theaters, but I know there’s at least one out on DVD.

Porn Store Clerk: Let me check. No, we don’t have that, but we can order any title you want.

Ellie: Ok, well I guess I’ll come in sometime and check out what you do have.

Porn Store Clerk: Great! I’m looking forward to it.

So now this guy thinks that Ellie is into underage vampire porn. Is that not what Thanksgiving is ALL ABOUT? The tip off probably should have been when he didn’t know what “Twilight” was. Seriously, I could draw Taylor Lautner’s abs from memory – that’s how many times I’ve seen them in recent weeks on magazine racks, websites and now, on the big screen. It also helped that he was shirtless for about 2/3rds of the movie. (Because werewolves get overheated easily, Taylor noted in the film. Temperature control! Of course! I would totally believe that, except Carmen Electra used the exact excuse when her sex tape leaked “accidentally” last week.)

This post was going to be about the relationship abuse themes, violence and stalking in Twilight, and how Edward needs to wear a better shade of lipstick, but now I’ve ruined it by talking about porn. Again. So look for that post soon. Maybe. If I can learn to stay away from Taylor’s abs focused.

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