Twilight

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Edward Cullen: Half man, half pillow

It was bound to happen. Someone on Etsy created a freakishly armed, giraffe-necked pillow, excuse me, manllow, in the form of Twilight’s Edward Cullen. Why was it bound to happen? Because you can’t spoon a poster, my friends. The artist does seem to have a sense of humor about her manllows, at least, describing them as: “The greatest gift of all time. 105% creepy, 5% loveable [sic].” Also, in case you can’t tell, the other manllow copping a feel is Jacob Black, aka Abs McWashboard, though I don’t think the manllow comes with an added 12-pack.

A few other bizarre Twilight items for purchase are:

Twilight condoms. For all the sex the characters aren’t having.

Edward is watching you…urinate! And he’s not happy about it.

A life-sized Edward silhouette and caption reminding you to “be safe.” My favorite part about this picture is that this is obviously an adult’s bedroom, when your typical twihard is prepubescent.  “Yes, a Twilight silhouette would go splendidly with my ivory sheeting and bronze sateen tape.” It would also, I’d hope, ensure that whoever pasted this to their wall would never have sex again. Or perhaps it serves as an extra reminder to use those Twilight condoms.

Related:

R Pattz hates your lady bits

photo via Details Mag

The internets are all a-twitter about Robert Pattinson’s quote in Details Magazine in reference to his hatred for lady bits. And I quote, “I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina.” During his photo shoot, R Pattz was forced to be around several scantily-clad women for twelve hours. What a nightmare! I bet it was because none of the vaginas were bedazzled. He later, paradoxically, describes being eaten by an elephant as “the best day of my life.” Full quote:

So this big female started sniffing my foot—big female elephant, that is. She sniffed it so hard it came up off the pavement like her trunk was a vacuum cleaner. Then she took my entire body in her mouth. I was holding on to her head, and as I slowly let go she tightened her grip really carefully until I’m just upside down in her mouth and she’s going through my pockets with her trunk, looking for peppermints. It was the best day of my life.

Some people think Pattinson’s fear of vaginas is a nod to his not-yet-out gayness, since “being allergic”  is a common joke amongst queers, and Details has a large gay readership.  I’m not sure whether R Pattz’ general air of mopey homelessness appeals to the Gay Men of the World, but I guess if John Mayer can have a racist penis, stranger things have happened.

So, my dear Team Edwardians, please add “hates your vagina” to the list of qualities that make Robert Pattinson worthy of your fandom, devotion and stalking, preferably next to “showers bi-monthly” and “sometimes sparkly.”

Related:

Life Survey

My BFF made a survey, like she does, of her life in 2009. It made me want to do a survey too, except it seemed like a lot of work, so I thought I’d do mine in pictures instead.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?


2. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?


3. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

4. Biggest failure?
Click on the pic for details.

7. Where did most of your money go?

Just kidding. It was actually stuffing.

8. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

9. What song will always remind you of 2009?


11. What do you wish you’d done more of?

the answer is Tina Fey, not learn to play a typewriter like an accordion, in case that wasn’t immediately obvious

12. What do you wish you’d done less of?

14. What was the best book you read?

15. What was your greatest musical discovery?

18. What was your favorite film of this year?

19. What did you do on your birthday?

Wisconsin Dells

20. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

21. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

This is what shows up when you google “lazy hipster”

22. What kept you sane?

Especially the chicken

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

41. Where did you ring in 2009?

42. What was your status by Valentine’s Day?

Damn, that actually took a long time! I’m changing my biggest accomplishment of 2009 to THIS BLOG POST.

Related:

Misconceptions About Lesbians

The Frisky has a pretty good list of 11 Girl on Girl Misconceptions, including the oft-aggravating “it’s just a phase” line and the fact that no one quite knows how scissoring got picked up as a lezzie sex move in porn.

Though I could’ve done without all the “Puhleases!”and “Roars!” from the obviously exasperated writer. Also, I take issue with this:

Being gay is easier than being straight because you’re dating someone who is the same gender as you. I wish this were true, but it isn’t. Guys complain that girls are impossible to figure out and I agree. I don’t understand my own emotions and feelings half the time, let alone another woman’s. Oh yeah, and if you think having sex with someone who has the same parts as you is easier, you’re wrong there too. You know how it’s easy to put mascara on yourself but not on someone else? Yeah, it’s kind of like that.

I take issue, not because I don’t know how to put mascara on myself or because she doesn’t know the difference between sex and gender, but because in refuting one stereotype, she’s buying into a DIFFERENT stereotype, namely that women are flighty, emotional wrecks, who “don’t understand their own emotions, let alone someone else’s.” Also, it IS easier to have sex with someone who has your same plumbing. Continue with me on this shitty metaphor for a moment (see what I did there?): Who would you rather fix your toilet, someone who uses a toilet every day or someone who lives in post-Communist Poland? (Okay, fine, they have toilets, but not toilet PAPER!). The point is, I’ve been familiar with vaginas for some time now and I use them often, almost as much as I watch episodes of 30 Rock, so I’m familiar with how they work, what different sensations feel like and how long it takes to marinate a pot roast inside one. Ask me what a blow job feels like, however, and I will most likely turn the conversation to Taylor Lautner’s abs, something I am much more intimately knowledgeable about. P.S. Look at his ninja moves!

 

Then there was this misconception: “Lesbians get committed really fast.” Sure, the U-Haul on the second date joke is an exaggeration, but out of all the lesbian stereotypes, this one hits home the most. You could blame socialization, as Pop Matters did: “Women are socialized to establish emotional bonds with other women and often crave a nurturing relationship, meaning they have a greater propensity to set up a home together quickly.” I think it has more to do with the fact that lesbians don’t have to follow a prescribed mating timeline like heteros do (dating, commitment, cohabitation, marriage, kids, etc), and can make it up as they go along. Or, if you’re me, you cohabitate to double your wardrobe.

What do y’all think of this list of misconceptions? What would you add or take away? Here’s one to start: Lesbians love sports. Puhlease! Unless darts is a sport!

Team Edward

As in Edward James Olmos, duh. Would you rather boff: a mopey, castrated sparklevamp with only two facial expressions, pain and agony, OR a tough inner-city school teacher who helps his students pass AP Calculus and then goes on to encourage Jennifer Lopez to achieve her dreams as a Tejano singer turned pop sensation!? Not to mention his remarkable role in Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Get your Team Edward Shirts now from Hijinks Ensue before all the hipsters get to them. And while you’re at it, pick me up a new copy of Jewel’s Holiday Album. Mine is all scratched from playing it all the time using it to prop up my bad ass vinyl collection…

Related:

Things I wish I had written/invented


The plot of Twilight: New Moon, as told by LOLcats

Smile like you’re dead inside

Boing Boing’s Charitable Gift Giving Guide

Plush alligators with vaginas


Things I actually DID write/invent this week for Lunch.com, who did not hire me, but did compliment me on my “enthusiasm,” which is just as good as money, right?

Singing the Praises of Glee

Fuggin’ Awesome: A Review of Go Fug Yourself

YogaWorks: A Studio that Bends (the Rules)

Rockin’ in the Treetops All Day Long: A Review of Twitter (title shamelessly stolen from Shana)

Related:

Taylor Lautner’s abs and other revelations


This Thanksgiving has been full of revelations. I learned that I can and will enthusiastically peel a pomegranate for two straight hours. I learned that as long as technology keeps evolving, people will also keep devising ways to have sex with it. I also learned that movie rental stores are going out of business, evidenced by this conversation Ellie had with a neighborhood DVD store while trying to rent the first Twilight movie. The conversation itself is not that interesting, until you realize that it’s a PORN STORE! Which we didn’t find out until way later actually.

Ellie: Hi, do you rent DVDs?

Porn Store Clerk: No, we stopped renting them, like everyone else.

Ellie: Everyone else stopped too?

Porn Store Clerk: Yeah, all the stores in the city, basically. DVDs were coming back damaged, and it just wasn’t worth it.

Ellie: All the stores in the city? Really?

Porn Store Clerk: Yep. But we sell them, 3 for $10, we have over 1500 titles.

Ellie: Oh! That’s basically the same price as a rental, then.

Porn Store Clerk: Yep. You should come check it out.

Ellie: Can you check for me– I’m a little embarrassed to ask, but I’m looking for the Twilight movies?

Porn Store Clerk: Twilight? Is that the name of a movie or a production company?

Ellie: It’s a movie. Uh, about teenage vampires, it was based on a book? One just came out recently in theaters, but I know there’s at least one out on DVD.

Porn Store Clerk: Let me check. No, we don’t have that, but we can order any title you want.

Ellie: Ok, well I guess I’ll come in sometime and check out what you do have.

Porn Store Clerk: Great! I’m looking forward to it.

So now this guy thinks that Ellie is into underage vampire porn. Is that not what Thanksgiving is ALL ABOUT? The tip off probably should have been when he didn’t know what “Twilight” was. Seriously, I could draw Taylor Lautner’s abs from memory – that’s how many times I’ve seen them in recent weeks on magazine racks, websites and now, on the big screen. It also helped that he was shirtless for about 2/3rds of the movie. (Because werewolves get overheated easily, Taylor noted in the film. Temperature control! Of course! I would totally believe that, except Carmen Electra used the exact excuse when her sex tape leaked “accidentally” last week.)

This post was going to be about the relationship abuse themes, violence and stalking in Twilight, and how Edward needs to wear a better shade of lipstick, but now I’ve ruined it by talking about porn. Again. So look for that post soon. Maybe. If I can learn to stay away from Taylor’s abs focused.