#181 Picture foreplay that lasts longer than a few minutes. Now, add crying. _____________ #182 Scissoring is only a “move” in porno movies. Or “Rock, paper…” _____________ #183 Strap-on sex is fun, until you realize you don’t know when to stop. _____________ #184 Why you should be proud to have […]

Haiku for Adulthood: How Lesbian Sex Works

I feel like most of these could also be subtitles to a book that desperately needs to be written. #176 ‘Cause it’s easier to lie on the internet than to someone’s face. _____________ #177 You were so much more interesting when you were two-dimensional. _____________ #178 “Living life to the […]

Haiku for Adulthood: Online Dating

I got this message today from Alice, an OkCupid employee who I am curiously 100% compatible with (that’s never happened before. Also, you’d think sexual orientation would factor into their matching algorithms.) Anyway, here’s what Alice had to tell me: Effective today, we are giving you a month of our […]

Why I’ll Never Be An A-List OkCupid User

This is the third time someone on OkCupid has asked me how I got my job. I mean, really? How does anyone get a job. You either know someone or blow someone, amiright brah?

I don’t know why I’m single

From the MySpace Vault, with new additions added for posterity: These are all first messages sent to me from random folks on OkCupid. I post them (mostly) without comment. I don’t post them to be callous, but to provide an anthropological glimpse of what women deal with on these kinds […]


Achievement of the Month: New high score in Doodle Jump! I hate myself. (It was by like 30,000 points though! That’s really high. For me.) _________ You kept the note I wrote you. It just said “Bam!” Me Tarzan. You impressed? _________ What I want inscribed on my tombstone when […]

Haiku for Adulthood #85 – #91