A while back, a guy wrote in to my advice column, wondering how often anal sex led to pregnancy. My answer ended with a limerick: I once met a dude on the ‘net, who wrote to me very upset. When you ride the caboose and some sperm is knocked loose, a […]

Dating and sex advice in limerick form

alice dana l word
As an advice columnist, the most common question I get from queer women is some variation of this: “She did [some small gesture that could possibly be construed as flirtation]! Does that mean she likes me?” Examples of small, ambiguous gestures have included: Sharing a dessert with the same fork […]

Top 3 dating mistakes lesbians make

#247 Someday I’ll meet a girl good enough to take home to my vibrator. __________ #248 If you’re a girl who’s vagitarian, all dating is masturdating. __________ #249 Lesbianism in 8 words: “I can’t date you, but here’s a poem.” __________ #250 At the lez sex party, the biggest bed held […]

Haiku for Adulthood: Masturdating

#223 Faith is knowing I’ve already lost you, and loving you anyway. _________ #224 It’s true–I crave your scapegoats. Such sting makes the present feel effortless. _________ #225 Some days, it seems the only appreciation comes from men in cars. _________ #226 Dear hot girls on OkCupid: You still have […]

Haiku for Adulthood: Here we go again

I have this wall of letters in my childhood bedroom. Some of them are written by me, but most are from other people. I started collecting them when I was in sixth grade until I finished high school. Whenever I come home, I read a few of them.  These are […]

U’re a little advanced for me

#181 Picture foreplay that lasts longer than a few minutes. Now, add crying. _____________ #182 Scissoring is only a “move” in porno movies. Or “Rock, paper…” _____________ #183 Strap-on sex is fun, until you realize you don’t know when to stop. _____________ #184 Why you should be proud to have […]

Haiku for Adulthood: How Lesbian Sex Works